PunkieFamily Down South

PunkieFamily Signing Off

2008-03-08T23:20:00.002-05:00

Dear Daniel,
This is my last post on behalf of your PunkieFamily in waiting. Today marks the end of your first month in the world, and it’s long overdue for me to close this blog. I started it because I wanted to record your father’s and my path of making your path ready. I’ve done my best to keep a these memories; and your dad has chimed in some too. But now the getting ready is over and it’s time for us to get on with the parenting. I can’t say whether we were as ready as we thought we were or could have been, but over all, I think we’ve done just fine. Your dad and I are at the very beginning of a long and in many ways, still unfathomable journey. I look forward to sharing it with you and your dad, and with the many wonderful people who have helped us to prepare ourselves for you.
Love, Mom

P.S. To everyone who has supported us throughout this journey, THANK-YOU!! We will continue to post photos to www.edwards-brown-family-photos.blogspot.com and may start a regular (as in, non-pregnancy) blog at some point. If we do, we'll let you all know.

Who am I?

2008-03-04T22:49:00.003-05:00

Daniel,
Do you wonder who your mother is? Probably not. That's a pretty abstract thought, and you might be precocious but I doubt you're concerned with this. Anyway, I'm kind of fascinated. A year ago I'd have said I'm a student, a social activist, a friend, a wife, a hobbiest, and if I'd thought long on the topic, I might have come up with other things. To this I would now add the following:

I am a spit rag. (My shirt is much more convenient when the fluids are coming fast).
I am a chef. (The pediatrician discusses the many choices there are, even w/r/t infant formula feeding. The decisions are ours to make).
I am a journalist. (I am still trying to record your life story for documentary purposes).
I'm a night-watchperson. (I still check on you a lot before you go to sleep, which is still very late at night, but we're working on that).
I'm a photographer. (I'm still trying to fill up a camera for my mother, and my mother just mailed us a new digital camera so that she can be sure to watch your growth via our photo website. http://edwards-brown-family-photos.blogspot.com/)
I'm a percussionist. (I play your back in search of the elusive belch).
I'm a laundress. (I wash LOTS of laundry; but your father washes more).
I am a reporter. (I keep your grandparents abreast of developments; e.g., we saw the pediatrician today; he says you are physically strong, weight gain is on track, and that much to my surprise he thinks your eyes are going to be brown.)
I'm a doting idiot. (I say stupid things in stupid voices). I won't apologize for that; I blame the fact that I'm so totally in love with you).

Many big kisses,
PunkieMommie

What to do on dreary days?

2008-03-02T13:28:00.004-05:00

According to my weekly e-mail update, “Many moms (and dads, by the way, though the e-mail seems not to recognize this) start to feel lonely and isolated at this point. Your partner may be back at work (mine is not, thank-you Bill Clinton for FMLA and thank-you PunkiePapa, for being liberated and brave), your own mom may have gone home (mine has), and your most frequent guest may be the pizza-delivery guy (occasional, but not often, thanks to the lovely meals that friends have brought to us). Meanwhile, the constant tick-tick-tick of your baby's feeding schedule may have you feeling tethered to your rocking chair (yep!).”

So here we are. A change of scene would be lovely, but it’s flu season and we really don’t want to take Daniel anywhere that he might be exposed to the flu, or, as a nurse mentioned the other day, to “The Chatham County Crud,” which is also going around. Going outside would also be very nice, but it’s freezing out; not a good idea for a brand new baby. So, what to do to keep from losing my mind and to still be connected to the outside world? As I finish this entry, it's 57 degrees outside and beautiful; but when I started it, it was 29 degrees outside and gross. Here is my list of things you can still do with a perplexingly fussy baby in your arms when it’s 29 degrees outside. This list is not complete. More ideas are welcome; nay, requested!

1. Read other people’s blogs. Keep blogging, buddies.
2. Listen to books on CD/Tape/Computer
3. Remember all the cd’s you’ve forgotten you had and that you really liked once-upon-a-time.
4. Watch all the stuff saved up on the DVR that you meant to watch at some point but never did.
5. Do bicep, tricep, and pectoral work by lifting the baby in various ways. (If Daniel gains any more weight, I have to stop this because for another 3 weeks, my doctor is very firm on the not lifting anything heavier than 10lbs thing, even if the 10+lbs thing is Daniel).
6. Type one-handed, probably-typo-filled blog entries.
7. Call whomever you owe a phone call. Grandmothers, are an especially good choice.
8. Read parenting magazines (they don’t require two hands to support them, as most books do). They are cluttering up the apartment and aren’t worth keeping around. They generally have only a few useful items (the latest recalls and a coupon for ear medicine, for instance). Once skimmed, they can be recycled without guilt.
9. If the baby is willing to hang out in the sling, prepare dinner and invite friends over (provided that they don't have the Chatham crud or the flu).

Hugs, PM

Check out our photos

2008-03-01T22:41:00.001-05:00

http://edwards-brown-family-photos.blogspot.com/

Adding a new trick to my bag: faking it when all else fails.

2008-03-01T10:10:00.003-05:00

It's funny how feeling competent seemed to play into my morning with Daniel today. In the last couple of days Daniel has been awake and alert more, which is GREAT, but he's also fussier than he's been to date. Thank goodness, I get a weekly e-mail called "ages and stages" from Parenting magazine that tells me what to expect when he's a week old, two weeks old, three weeks old, etc. This week's e-mail warned us that this would be a fussier week than we've had thus far. Knowing that this is normal is hugely comforting because if it's normal, it means we're doing a fine job of parenting thus far. At least, that's how I'm choosing to look at it. That's important because I'm learning that this kid and I are still connected in a funny, important way. That is: if I can convince myself that I'm equipped and capable for the task of caring for this precious little being, not only do I feel better, but he does! He knows! So I'm trying something new.

Ever since I was in middle school, I've felt strong and confident and happy and exhilerated when I sing along with cd's of people singing songs I know and like, and who sing way better than I do. This morning, as with most mornings lately, Daniel has seemed really unhappy. It's none of the usual culprits and it can be pretty disheartening to try and try everything that's ever helped and find it not working. So today I held Daniel close in a soft, warm blanket, turned on some Audra McDonald and danced around (badly) and sang along (badly). I should add, merely playing that cd worked yesterday, but today not at all. While singing, I felt good despite the fussiness; and lo-and-behold, slowly but very surely so did he. It's an awful feeling to know that something is hurting Daniel, but the consolation is that it's a wonderful feeling to be holding him and to feel like I've been a part of healing whatever was tormenting him.

It is 3am, and

2008-02-29T02:56:00.001-05:00

Baby is sleeping, Mommie is awake. WHY???

Things to try to soothe a perplexingly fussy baby when it’s 29 degrees outside.

2008-02-28T22:38:00.003-05:00

According to the PARENTING e-mail I get each week, this week “your baby's more alert between feedings and absorbing more stimuli now, so perhaps he's becoming more vocal. (Yep!) If this is the case, your sleep and your patience may be taxed. (Yep!) This week's newsletter talks about quieting and comforting your baby and offers strategies for surviving colic. Whether or not you have "a crier," your baby's wailing starts to intensify around this time. (Yep!) Aside from feeding him, changing him, and keeping him warm and comfortable, what can you do?” The e-mail then provided a bunch of links that should theoretically answer this question, but strangely, none of the links works. So, here’s my own list.

Things to try to soothe a perplexingly fussy baby when it’s 29 degrees outside.
1. Is it the diaper?
2. Is he hungry? (No, he can’t possibly be.) Are you sure?
3. Everything it says in “The happiest baby on the block.” That is: swaddle, swing, shush, side-hold, and provide a finger or pacifier for sucking.
4. Take 2 Excedrin Migraine. This will (a) stave off the possible migraine and (b) provide needed caffeine energy for all other efforts and projects.
5. Cry a little if necessary, but don’t get worked up. Crying won’t kill him or scar him permanently, but getting worked up will definitely make it harder for him to stop crying.
6. Empathize with him out loud. Today, my monologue has gone something like this: “Yes, I know; it’s such a big world out here. It’s so, so big. So much has changed so quickly. It’s okay; cry it all out. I understand. I’d be crying too if I’d just gotten pried out of my warm, safe, comfortable home. But it’s going to be okay because your dad and I love you so, so much and whatever you need we will make sure you have. I know it’s hard right now because we’re just learning how to understand your needs, but you’re doing a great job of teaching us what you need. So you go right ahead and cry; and as you do I’m going to keep trying to figure out what you need. So don’t give up on me. You go right on crying ‘til I get it right.” I know that might sound strange, but by encouraging him to go right on and cry, I really save myself from that awful feeling of incompetence; that frustrated “Just PLEASE stop crying” feeling that doesn’t get us any closer to a solution.
7. Turn on whatever cd or other music you listened to a lot during pregnancy. It really doesn’t seem to matter what that it is. For me and Daniel, our number one pick is Audra McDonald’s “Way Back to Paradise,” with a tie for second place between Lyle Lovett’s “Joshua Judges Ruth” and Gordon Lightfoot’s “A Painter Passing Through”
8. There will be more revelations to fill in #8… and 9, 10, etc… So, till then… Don’t stop trying. Eventually the crying will stop, and as Hillary says, the clouds will part, celestial choirs will sing, and we’ll all know and do what’s right. The baby will love again! Or, he'll fall asleep.

I love bathtime!

2008-02-27T15:38:00.002-05:00

Since the doctor's appointment the other day, I'm cleared to take regular baths (as opposed to showers, which I abhor), and my new favorite thing to do with you is bathtime. We have a baby bathtub. It's sort of fancy, with its own little drain and it folds up for convenient storage (which is a nice idea but doesn't work, so it is hanging up on the wall), and it's baby sized; but even a baby sized bathtub is a pretty big bathtub for a newborn, and we've only used it once. When we did use it, you absolutely HATED it, and I don't blame you! I hated it too. Your dad and I were all hunched over, trying to keep you upright with only our hands. It was kind of scary for us! But that's all over now. Last night, I took you into the bathtub with me and had you up to your chest in warm water. You loved it and made all kinds of cherubic faces and sounds; and me, well, I fell even deeper in love. I even did the unthinkable. I had your dad take your picture. Yes, yes, I'm generally opposed to full-frontal naked baby photos. I know that they haunt children as grown ups. I'm particularly reminded by the fully naked photo of your dad that your grandfather (GB) brought to our rehearsal dinner the night before our wedding (God only knows why) and showing around to every person there. I tell myself I'm not that bad because we gave you a little fig leaf protection with a washcloth. Why did I insist on that photo? I've clearly been bitten by whatever delusion it is that prompts other parents to photograph their naked children. Well, whatever. It was really, really sweet. I don't care what I thought before I was a mom.

Feeling a little blue today

2008-02-26T23:15:00.004-05:00

I've been a little down the last couple of days, and I'm not really sure why. I strongly suspect it's horomonal; but also, PP, Daniel and I went to my OB who said in addition to the fact that I look great, that she thinks I won't need a c-section next time because I won't have as big a baby because I won't gain as much weight. My doctor clearly didn't mean for me to feel down on myself when she made this statement; PP didn't hear the statement in the way that I did (and he's usually pretty sensitive to when other people have said things that might hurt my feelings). The doctor simply said it's just hard to know what to eat during a first pregnancy, and assumes that I won't gain as much next time. I don't know, but she could be right!

But regardless of whether it's true or not, this hits on my biggest button - that maybe I haven't been a good steward of Daniel's life in some important ways. I worked pretty hard not to let myself feel bad about the c-section and specifically, not to blame myself. Calling upon my rational mind, I realize that this is just stupid. I'm the one who didn't want the c-section. He doesn't know that he was deprived of a vaginal delivery, and even if he does, I'm hearing more and more arguments (from credible medical people) that even though there are a lot of unnecessary c-sections performed, there are also a lot of babies born vaginally who probably shouldn't be. As one example, we took Daniel to have an MRI the other day (he's fine - he was just participating in an advanced brain imaging study), and the woman running the study said that they had been very surprised to find that the MRI's of 26% of the vaginally born babies in the study so far have had a subdural hemotoma on the back of the brain. Yikes! Actually, she said it's no big deal; it heals. But this points to that I'm being irrational to grieve that vaginal delivery. It has been an effort for me not to feel like I somehow failed at being a good mom because I had to have a c-section. I wonder if my body (and perhaps the lives of many women who've had c-sections?) is grieving the loss of the pregnancy because I didn't have the biological ritual of closure that my body naturally expected.

I recognize that this is likely just horomones - some incarnation of "baby blues." I thought that "baby blues" were only a factor in the immediate days after childbirth. That's what it said on the website I looked at. (Of course, if it's on the internet it must be true!) I don't meet the criteria for PPD, clearly, but these last two days I have felt a bit unlike my usual smiley self. Maybe it's partly the flu shot I got this afternoon (PP and I both felt kind of cruddy after it); maybe it's more of the breastfeeding thing; the weight gain and c-section are clearly part of it; and of course it has a lot to do with the absence of structure that defines our lives these days (I'm well enough recovered now that I actually wake up whenever Daniel does). Whatever these are, I really hope they go away soon.

God help me learn to tolerate vegetables!

2008-02-25T16:22:00.002-05:00

Well it looks like PunkiePapa and I are both ready to tackle our bodies. We went to my doctor today and my incision looks great, uterus is back down, and I've lost 31lbs. I'm currently 144.5, and at 6 weeks pregnant I weighed 127. I think that's a good goal to shoot for - healthier than 113. So, that means I've got 17lbs to lose before I'm back to where I want to be, or at least, where I think I want to be.

Your dad is running a 5K on March 15, so that's his plan of action. For my plan, it will have to be a little less aggressive. I asked the doctor what kind of exercise is okay for me post c-section, and she said that I can walk, but no eliptical, resistance training, running, etc. Not that I am tempted to run. I do NOT run. I'm thinking that I'll modify my diet a little bit. Specifically, I'll be trying to cut down my sprite habit and drink more water. I need to make more alterations than that - like, eating regular, balanced meals rather than grazing a lot, but I've never been any good at that, so it may take a little time. I'm pretty motivated in that direction, though, because I think it's important for me and your dad to model good eating habits for you. God help me learn to tolerate vegetables! In the mean time, I'll also take advantage of the increasing numbers of beautiful days and go walking in the afternoons.

Last night's sleep schedule

2008-02-25T16:21:00.001-05:00

1:45am - to bed.
3:00 - 3:15am - changed diaper
6:00 - 6:45am - fed and changed
8:15am - up for the day.

Sleep Log

2008-02-24T13:24:00.002-05:00

Elizabeth Pantley's book, "The No Cry Sleep Solution" suggests keeping logs of how baby is sleeping in order to be able to teach baby to sleep a little better, longer, healthier, happier, etc. Our pediatrician points out that it's silly to try to teach a newborn anything about sleep b/c their circadian rhythms aren't mature enough to manipulate yet. So, we aren't trying to dictate Daniel's schedule yet. However, we're keeping the log so that when he can be guided (a time to which we are very much looking forward); here it is.

Morning of Sunday, February 24, 2008
1:00am: Getting drowsy; swaddled
1:15am: asleep
1:50am - 2:45am: fed and changed, fed again, changed again, sang some songs, fed again, changed again. Eventually feel asleep on PP’s chest.
4:15am – 5:15am: swinging, fed, finger sucking, changing, singing, begging. Returned to sleep on PP’s chest.
8:15am: Up for the day.

I hate what I’m doing right now.

2008-02-23T18:13:00.002-05:00

I’m out of shape, and there was a time that I was in shape and this would have been no problem, but the process of getting back into shape is a lot less enjoyable than it is to be already in shape. I'm getting ready for a 5K on March 15th. I’m on minute 22 of what is generally a 45 minute run. I hate every minute of what I’m doing; but sometimes we do things for our children that we wouldn’t do otherwise. I’m doing this because I want to be alive for my son, and I’m afraid of heart disease and diabetes. I should say, it’s a lot easier than it was the first time I did it 9 days ago; it’s much easier to do than it was yesterday because my wife and mother-in-law told me it’s gonna be okay. I would very much appreciate it if all of you would tell me it's gonna to be okay too.

*Dictated from treadmill to PunkieMommie

What you need v. what I need

2008-02-22T22:16:00.001-05:00

Dear Daniel,
Last night you grew up a bit; it felt like a pretty big deal to us. You slept in the co-sleeper for the first time. At first, you really, really didn’t like for us to put you down at all, especially when it was time for you to sleep. Then, you could sleep for very brief periods of time in a vibrating baby rocker (we call it your bumpy seat). Then, last night, you slept for the whole night (with the usual waking up for changes and snacks) in the co-sleeper.

The fact that you did that is not, in and of itself, all that remarkable I suppose. It’s a landmark event in your life and in ours, but it’s not all that surprising that you did it. What is remarkable is my reaction to it, and your father’s insights. As we turned out the lights, I found myself having this totally irrational fear that you would stop breathing if you weren’t in our arms. I missed you!

Totally unprovoked, and not yet having told my mother about this anxiety, she told me and your dad about the first time she and my dad ever left me after I was born. She says I was about a month old when she and my dad went to an arts and crafts festival for a few hours, leaving me with a perfectly capable mature adult who even had a child of her own. She said that while they were at the festival, she developed a totally irrational fear that I would be unable to breathe without her and my father there.

Why do we have these fears? We aren’t usually crazy people. Your dad reflected on his own thoughts and experience of these last few days, and I think the answer lies in his thoughts. There’s a trick to this parenting that we’re trying to get the hang of. We need to discern what is it exactly that you need, and what is it that we need? In other words, these last few days, have you needed to be held, or have we needed to hold you?

Particularly confusing is that something that you needed yesterday may be no longer important for you today. We have to figure these things out. You can’t tell us yet, and someday when you’re a child and a teenager, you’ll be able to tell us but sometimes you’ll be wrong. For now, it seems that you don’t need us to hold you while you sleep at night, as long as you’re fed, changed, and swaddled. But I confess, I don’t really know how much you actually need to be held during the day because your dad and I need to hold you.

I wonder what you’ll think when you read this someday. Will you think it makes sense and have some sympathy for your parents as we try to figure out these new things? Will you think we’re a little nuts? Those are probably both appropriate thoughts. Well, at least I’m honest about it, I guess.

Love, Mom

Uh-oh

2008-02-22T21:11:00.000-05:00

I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant. People kept telling me “it’s all belly,” but I knew that wasn’t really true. There was not 62lbs of belly. But I didn’t worry about it, either. Some of it was water, related to high blood pressure; some of it was baby, some was placenta, some was increased blood volume. Now I know that I didn’t gain milk weight, but that’s usually only a pound or two. Well, I knew that I would have to face my body when pregnancy was over, and that time has arrived.

My mother arrived last night and she brought me my wedding and engagement rings. I could not get them on. Yikes. I have been wearing maternity clothes since Daniel’s birth, but the reason I haven’t tried non-maternity clothes has largely been that I don’t want regular pants waistbands touching my c-section incision. Now, however, I wonder if I may be in trouble. It’s a little confusing because I have absolutely no perspective about this. We don’t own a scale, so I don’t know what the number is on the scale.

February 13th of last year your dad and I went to my doctor to get instruction in how to begin to try to get pregnant. On that day, I weighed 113lbs. That’s less than I weighed since I was about 12 years old, so I’m not shooting to return to that. I wasn’t trying to be excessively thin at the time; I consider it a product of the fact that law school historically made me a little crazy and caused me to forget about food all too often. The last time I saw the doctor before Daniel was born, I weighed 175. Geez. That’s a very large difference! The question I have to answer now is what is a healthy weight for me, and I really don’t know.

Danielisms

2008-02-22T02:04:00.003-05:00

Dear Daniel,
I write to you at the close of the thirteenth day of your life. I know better than to think we can possibly know all that much about your personality when you are only 13 days old, but some things are appearing that are not what the books predicted, and which I think are really your own. It may be that this is just your personality for a tiny little time in your life, but for now, we are really enjoying getting to know the you that you are right now.

You are teaching us about yourself and how to be your parents. We’ve learned that you are a cluster eater. They told us that in the hospital, but we did not understand. Now we get it. You eat for several hours at a time, with only short breaks in the midst of a feeding. Apparently, I was a cluster eater too, and my mother found it very irritating. Your dad and I love it in you because it makes for longer stretches of sleep. Hallelujah!

Speaking of sleep, you make wonderful faces while you sleep. I assume that much of the time you are exploring your face, but when you dream (we can tell when you’re dreaming because we see your eyes moving around under your eyelids) I love to see how you smile and open your mouth as if you are laughing, and then sometimes you look distraught, the way you look when you need to burp or when your diaper is dirty and before we get the problem solved. I see those faces and I know that if you were awake you’d be about to cry; but then the faces pass and my heart rate returns to normal. I know that social smiles are not possible for another few weeks, but I really have a hard time believing that the smiles don’t still mean that you are happy.

All in all, I’d say you are a pretty darned happy baby. You very rarely cry, and when you do, it’s always because of some fairly obvious need like needing food, changing, to burp, or someone is doing something to you that you don’t like. You don’t like it when the nurse at the doctor’s stretches you out to measure your length, for instance. You also used to really hate being naked, but that seems to be passing. It’s still not your favorite thing, but now you just make little distressed vocalizations, rather than out and out crying, and your dad figured out that if we turn the dryer on next to the changing table, you don’t even make those noises.

My father is here visiting us and most importantly, meeting you. My father is very impressed with your contemplative countenance. When he says this he is referring to your tai-chi movements. You still do those. Also, you keep your hands very open, with your fingers extended beautifully. You rarely close them into a fist, as the books told us you would do.

Last night, when we thought that you were sleeping, I glanced down at your body out-stretched on my lap. You had your hands placed lightly atop your knees in the zen mudra for meditation; with your palms up and knuckles down, thumbs floating in a relaxed cup shape over your palms. Your dad, my dad, and I each took turns placing our fingers in the space between your hands and sure enough, we could feel a little ball of warm energy there. My dad maintained that you had clearly been here before, and since you were in a Japanese meditation posture you had probably been Japanese. I am inclined to think we project too much, but if indeed you are as contemplative as you currently seem, you’ll share a great deal with your grandfather. I note that your dad commented how much you looked like my father the first time he saw you. You’ll also share a great deal with your dad.

These are just a few of our early observations about you. Even now we can see that you are both a product of your parents and a uniquely new being.

What we know thus far, we love and like about you. It’s hard to really know how much of you we’re actually seeing, and how much may be our own projections. We’re really trying to keep a pretty open mind about you though, and we’ll try to continue to try to be aware of the differences between the emerging you and our projections onto you as you grow up, because ultimately the little light inside of you is what we want to shine. We are stunned again and again that you chose our family to be a part of; and we feel so blessed.

Love,
Mom and Dad

I love you guys!

2008-02-17T12:55:00.002-05:00

Dear Friends,

The primary purpose of this blog is to record some memories of pregnancy and these early days of parenthood because we've wanted to be intentional about preserving Daniel's story during the times that he can't remember (i.e., conception through early childhood); but it has served a really important secondary purpose for me as well. It has allowed me to get some really great perspective. The feedback I’ve gotten from all of you, both in comments and in e-mails has been so enormously supportive. It’s allowed me to have some dialogues that have given me the perspective I needed to feel totally up for this job. Some of you will see snippets of things I’ve written to you. You helped me to think through these disappointments in a way that I want to remember.

In the hours since I posted my feelings about breastfeeding, I've had a lot of feedback reminding me that we're doing our best, that Daniel has good parents, and that to nurse or not to nurse won't make or break his future. I also had a lot of comforting feedback when I was feeling so stressed out by all the voices telling me that we shouldn't be induced or that we should try to induce using methods I wasn't comfortable with. I hadn't realized that I needed to hear some voices from outside of my own head to counteract the judgments inside my own head. Thanks to all of you who have told us that we are doing great, and for encouraging us to reclaim that we-do-what's-right-for-us attitude that PP and I are generally able to pull off. I really do think it's true that we're doing great. I'm completely in love with this child, and even more in love with PP than I’ve ever been (which I didn't think was possible). In fact, I have to say that the emotional support we’ve received from all of you may even have been even more important to me than the logistical support we've received (and that's really saying something, because we've been so very supported logistically).

I have read that 70% of women experience baby blues. I have a couple of decent reasons to have baby blues. First is the breastfeeding thing, and second is the major trauma to my body that was childbirth. But I don't have blues at all! I do cry easily - mostly from the loving, warm, and wonderful e-mails I've received, but they are not tears from depression or even lows. Perhaps that will come at some point. But these disappointments are only disappointments. They do not rise to the level of "grief" or “blues” or “depression” and even these disappointments feel so small compared to the enormous joy I have in holding this perfect, healthy boy who has not yet heard the news that his mother and dad might be flawed. I have semi-joked and said that I'm sure we're going to screw this up at some point; after all, I think most well intentioned parents do make some pretty big goofs and have some pretty giant limitations. But I'm pretty sure we haven't done any irreparable damage yet. So far, it’s just too good.

My friend Stephanie made a very important point that continues to resonate with me. The process of preparing for child birth sets us up for the belief that we can control everything from child bearing to child rearing. At conception it’s “if you have sex on the right day you can control whether you get a boy or a girl;” and “start your prenatal vitamins at least three months in advance to make sure you don’t have a kid with certain health problems” and even “would you prefer to conceive in March or April?” Then once you get pregnant the obvious questions are “Is it a boy or a girl?” “Are you going to breastfeed?” “Are you going to deliver at X, Y, or Z?” “Are you planning to have an epidural?” “What name [identity] are you going to give him?” “Will you have him circumcised?” But so much is unknown! Would we even be able to conceive? Would we be able to breastfeed? How could we know if vaginal delivery would work out for us? Would his name come to us quickly or would we need some time to figure that out?

What I can say, though, is that Daniel's birth story was the perfect birth story for him because it was, in fact, HIS story. It needed to accommodate him and his needs. He was either unable or not inclined to come in the way that we imagined he would, but he got to come in the way that was best for him. His debut was his own, and by definition, then, it was perfect.

Thank-you all for helping me stay in touch with the enormously precious experience that these first days have been.

A new father reflects on his past and his son's future

2008-02-15T20:10:00.002-05:00

PM is kind enough to take down these thoughts for me (PunkiePapa) as I am holding and feeding our son.

For the last several months, I’ve given great thought to what it means to be a man. This began last April when I disclosed to Lisa and Liz at a healing service that PM and I were beginning the process of attempting to conceive a child. My thoughts intensified after we learned that we were pregnant; and I further explored these thoughts through a men’s group with friends from ECOTA in the fall. The question “what does it mean to be a man?” has been a particularly salient one for me because it cuts to the heart of what it now means for me to be a father, and what it means for me to seek to be one of hopefully many positive and healthy role models for our son.

It strikes me that the models of masculinity that our American culture has held up since this country’s founding are no longer working. The John Wayne approach to relationships, the George W. Bush approach to governing, and the all-consuming focus on success that leads many male athletes to use performance enhancing drugs cannot be the only models provided for my son. As a boy growing up in South Carolina, I intuitively knew that the models of masculinity around me did not work for me. I wasn’t a particularly good athlete, though I enjoyed sports; I couldn’t charm and manipulate women; I wasn’t able to use words and even might to engender the “respect” of my male peers. I longed for something more substantive by which to define myself as a man, but I didn’t know where to look for it, how to find it, and especially how to be what it was that I longed to be.

Over the last several days I have reflected on the last ten years of my life – a period in which I’ve done considerable self-reflection and therapy. As I consider certain periods of my life and the ways that I acted during those periods, sometimes I wonder who I was at those times. In particular, I recall the ways in which I acted in my first marriage and realize that I don’t even know that person anymore. My identity back then was confined to the narrow models of masculinity that I received from my father and mother, my grandparents, and from many of the men who mentored me in my early years in South Carolina. The experience of divorce, as painful as it was, was the most transformative experience of my life because it forced me into a time of despair. It was the most healing despair of my life in that I realized that the models I had been given did not work and would not work, and thus, I had to make changes.

I found the tools for internal change through mentors and therapists, through friends (male and female), and most importantly, through PunkieMommie, my wife. I also found a number of cultural fathers who have modeled for me what I consider to be healthy masculinity.

There are many men in our society who have wed religion in politics in ways that I consider to be unhelpful, but which have engendered the support of Americans given our dominant gender narratives. For instance, for those in this school of thought, personal religious values are imposed upon others through public discourse and public policy. This has been the masculine politics of the last 28 years. I am heartened now that these narratives are changing and that we see models of masculinity emerging from the grassroots that place a high priority on community, compassion for children, respect for diverse family models, and love of neighbor. This way of being a man was embodied for me by an early cultural father, Walter Mondale and a more recent cultural father, Al Gore. These particular men are important models for me because they combine the religious and the political. Walter Mondale was the son of a Methodist pastor, and Al Gore is an ordained minister. Both have dedicated their lives to public service, and both have placed their own family at the pinnacle of their lives as well as the American family at the forefront of their public policy initiatives. These men are important to me because they hold conflicting masculine characteristics in tension. In these men, charm and wit are moderated by sincerity and responsibility; power is tempered with accountability, and a passion for public justice is informed by an awareness of the joys and struggles that Americans face daily.

This is an early reflection by a new father who wants to be a healthy masculine role-model for his son and who hopes his life will contribute to the making of a better society for all children and their families. I hope to be a role model who by example teaches his son a way of having caring friendships with men and women based on mutuality and respect.

After ten years of reflection I have been able to incorporate the many strengths of my father and mother and grandparents into my life and I have gained an appreciation for them and the contributions they made to my life. Among their contributions are an appreciation for family, a strong work ethic, and a commitment to public service. My hope and prayer is that our son will not need ten years of reflection in order to speak those words about his father. I am grateful for the many men presently in my life who have walked with me in preparation for fatherhood. I am grateful for the women who have shared this journey as well; and I look forward to these men and women being a part of the village that will help raise our son into the man that he is best able to be.

Ah, breastfeeding.

2008-02-14T00:43:00.004-05:00

I am trying very hard to breastfeed, but it isn't going very well, and this makes me sad. My milk has not come in at all, despite my spending lots of time on a pump and also using a supplemental nursing system to feed Daniel. He latches on pretty well I think, but has a hard time staying latched on. The lactation consultants at the hospital were very helpful, but they can't get water from a stone. So far, I have had literally ONE drop of breastmilk come out of my body. I was so excited I almost cried. But I have talked to several doctors and lactation consultants who are all pretty pessimistic. As the pediatrician said, at this point the milk should have come in, and if it hasn't by now it's probably just not going to happen.

Our doctor has tried to allay my fears about the harm that could come to Daniel from not being breastfed, but I know that breastmilk is uncontroversially best for him. Moreover, I live in a community where it seems like good and responsible parents are ALWAYS expected to breastfeed, and it looks like I can't. I find that I have some pretty significant grief over this issue, and even a bit of shame, and I don't know how I will explain that we are formula feeding our child. I don't really want to discuss lactation with everyone I know, but it seems like everyone - even a random old guy at the dog park - thinks it's okay to ask me if I'm planning to nurse my kid.

In addition to really believing that breastmilk is best and my worries that Daniel is being deprived of something really important, I think all of this ties back to my issue with how other people that I like and respect will view me as a parent. This is positively idiotic. I'm normally not at all vulnerable in this way. I'm pretty good at realizing that my life has taken many non-traditional turns and that when I'm graceful about that, things go well. But I guess I don't like being complicated around the issue of parenting. I want what works for other people to work for me as well. Is this hormones too? Is this my unique little version of the baby blues? I'm deliriosly happy in every other way; but when I think about nursing I feel genuine grief.

Overview of Parenthood So-Far

2008-02-14T00:30:00.004-05:00

We are really happy, and really tired. We went to the pediatrician for the first time yesterday. That was exciting. Daniel is still in perfect health. Rhett and I have developed a bizarre obsession with baby output. PunkiePapa even carried along a poopy diaperin a ziplock bag to have the doctor inspect.

Sleeping is hard, as we knew it would be. For the first two nights it hasn't been possible to put Daniel down and go to sleep ourselves, so we've been sleeping in shifts. One stays in the living room with Daniel and the other tries to sleep in the bedroom. The result is that we are both tired because neither of us sleeps all that well without the other. The doctor talked with us about ways that we can safely nap with him nestled in the crook of our arms, and at first I didn't think that would work, but we've tried it a couple of times for short naps and it seems to be going decently well. We wake up at the tiniest noise. Also, we have a bouncy seat that we tried putting him in for short periods last night and today, and that has gone surprisingly well. I say surprisingly because I figured that if he didn't like the co-sleeper, nothing would work.

I'm hoping we can get Daniel used to being worn in our Maya Wrap sling or in a Bjorn in the coming days. The Maya Wrap has met with mostly disgruntled results from Daniel, but I have benefitted from it a great deal because I can't lift anything heavier than 10lbs (per discharge instructions, but also just the reality of having had major abdominal surgery and being weak and uncentered). Obviously, that's a problem,since Daniel was born at 10lbs and hasn't lost much weight at all -still weighs 9lbs, 6oz. For me to be able to feed myself, answer a phone, go to the bathroom, or anything else, I have to have some device to help me manage his weight. I think the Maya Wrap will take a little practice; fortunately we have a DVD from the company to help us get it right. We put Daniel in the Bjorn the day we came home, and I must say I feel like an idiot. He had just been circumcized about 8 hours before, and he screamed bloody murder. Dumb new parent mistake. Do not put baby's full weight onto his crotch immediately after operating on said crotch.

The joys are overwhelming. He is opening his eyes more and more often, and he works hard to take in and make sense of what he sees. His eyes are open about 30 min. total per day, and he is beautiful. Other joys are the sweet cooing noises, the little grunts he makes as he tries to nurse, and those gorgeously graceful tai-chi movements he makes with his arms,head, mouth, and legs. The arm and head movements are the coolest because I remember feeling them while he was upside down inside me.

Don Kennedy, Photographer Extraordinaire

2008-02-12T10:42:00.000-05:00

Our friend and gifted photographer came by the hospital to meet and take some early shots of Daniel, and it looks like Daniel enjoys being in front of the camera. This, and the shot below are a couple of the ones Don sent us to peek at. If anyone is looking for a fantastic photographer, look no further. Who else could get a 1 day old baby to smile? don@donkennedyphotography.com

Rated PG-13 for Occasional Language and Minimally Gory Content: For the details of our birth story, please see below.

2008-02-10T00:44:00.000-05:00

The tired, happy, punkie family

Our Story

Daniel was due on 1/31, and when he still hadn’t come a week after that, physicians encouraged us to get an induction. They named all the typical reasons for that. The fact that PunkieMommie’s (hereafter, PM) blood pressure had gotten quite high again was among them. PM was also a little nervous that this baby was still growing, and all previous exams had indicated that he would at least be on the high-side of average size. So, we tried (almost) every fathomable natural method of induction, none of which worked, and PM was induced with Pitocin at 11am on Thursday, the 7th. Contractions began shortly thereafter. They were gentle enough in the beginning; PM; PunkiePapa (hereafter, PP); PM’s mom, L; and PM’s sister, K talked, played Rummy, and watched CNN. PM was dilated to about 6cm at that point, until her water broke spontaneously at about 5:30pm. As contractions intensified cards and conversations stopped and we hoped for progress.

For PM, those next several hours are a blur. The doctors and nurse kept saying that the contractions were in a good pattern and that they weren’t progressing quite as fast as they would ordinarily expect but that was okay as long as PM and baby still seemed healthy. They mentioned that infection might become an issue if the baby weren’t born quickly enough because the water had broken. They weren’t too worried about that, so neither were we; but they encouraged us to try to change positions a lot to help the baby arrange himself into a more comfortable and rapid path down the birth canal. As we did that, PM concluded that it was imperative to get an epidural. The type of epidural they gave was a “light” epidural, which means that it helped take the edge off of contractions, but it only lessened the pain, it did not take it entirely away. That’s because time was becoming an issue, and it was important not to slow or de-intensify the contractions.

The great added blessing for her during those enormously stressful hours was the presence and wisdom of our primary doula, Andee. Andee was a calming presence for all of us, and provided great physical relief by teaching PP and PM’s mom, L to massage key areas to help PM deal with pain. PM recalls Andee as having inspired PM to have continued faith in herself to cope with both the expected and unexpected difficulties of labor, and will be eternally grateful.

PM developed a fever during the night and the baby’s heart rate got quite high. To their credit, the doctors didn’t overreact. They started antibiotics and fever medication preemptively in an effort to continue our attempt at having a vaginal delivery. We reached 9cm in the wee hours of Friday morning and at 1pm were still there. By this time, our primary doula, Andee had called in a very lovely and experienced back-up doula, Gail, who became an additional source of great support for us. We estimate that PM had labored at 9cm for about six hours at the point that the attending physician said that the baby was in danger and needed to be delivered imminently. We consulted with the head midwife before making a decision. Somehow, PM just couldn’t hear the C-Section recommendation from a surgeon with the same faith she could hear it from a midwife. That was probably slightly irrational, but we were making the best decisions we could with too little information in too little time. The doctors and midwives had all recommended a C-Section at around 12pm. By 12:30, we had made the decision to proceed surgically.

PM gave the doctor’s explicit instructions not to give her their usual play-by-play (I’m going to use a blank, I’m about to cut, you’re going to feel a little blah, blah, blah), and they asked her what she would like for them to talk about. She suggested that they tell her about themselves, so one of them said “I’m from Cincinnati; and I’m a huge fan of the Cincinnati Bengals.” PM responded “Is that a sport?” and they moved on to TV programs. Law and Order met with an ignorant audience too, so they then began to discuss Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. Apparently there is great enthusiasm among C-Section performers for Jeopardy but the same folks are disconcerted by the fact that Pat Sajac has not aged since 1985. Who knew? From that discussion came the words “What a big head;” then the anesthesiologist who stood on our side of the curtain looked over it and his eyes grew big as he said (clearly to himself) “HOLY Shit!” Can anyone among you imagine that those are not the most pastoral words he could have chosen at that moment?

PM said “Holy shit? What holy shit? What are you talking about?” and after a momentary delay he responded “You gave birth to a toddler.”

After the delivery, the doctors attended to little Daniel, taking his foot and hand prints, listening for his heartbeat, taking his blood pressure, etc. PP was with Daniel at this first doctor’s appointment, giving PM the play by play about how Daniel looked, what the doctor was doing, and measuring Daniel’s weight and height (10lbs and, 21.75 inches long).

Daniel did not initially let out a big scream. The doctors said that Daniel had expected to enter the world in a different manner than he did, and thus he was a bit disoriented. PP commented that Daniel’s expression communicated, “gee whiz, what the hell just happened to me?” Soon though, Daniel screamed out a ringing announcement, telling the world know that he had arrived. It was a joyful arrival indeed!

PP and Baby Daniel visited with PM briefly as the doctors finished her surgery, and briefly during recovery. PP and Gail (doula) attended to PM during recovery, massaging her legs to assist the return of feeling to her lower body. New Grandma L and Aunt K followed Baby Daniel to the nursery to watch his first bath and see him dressed in his first outfit.

About an hour later, PM was transferred to 5 Women’s for bonding with Baby Daniel. Since then, PP and PM have been up to their ears in diapers, nursing instruction, and swaddling blankets. With the great support of primary doula, Andee; back-up doula, Gail; the nursing staff; Grandma, L; the Brown grandparents; a blessing from priest, Lisa; and calls, emails and visits from family and friends, PP and PM are slowly getting to know Baby Daniel’s needs and learning to respond with love and nurture.

What Makes Daniel Unique?
So, we may be a little biased, but we think our son is great. In fact, he is the cutest little baby we have ever seen (all of your babies excepted of course). He came into the world doing Tae-Chi movements with his head, mouth, hands and legs, rolling around in gentle fluid movements as if he were under water.

He has chubby pink cheeks, a precious little nose, and wavy brown hair all over his perfect little giant head. He has HUGE hands and feet, broad shoulders, and a little buddha belly. PP’s father joked that he came out of womb wearing a South Carolina football jersey. PP is not very enthusiastic about the idea of his son enduring PP’s experience of the years of pain and suffering that come with watching much less playing for the hapless South Carolina Gamecocks.

Concluding Thoughts

Tonight, PP, PM and Baby Daniel (who was sleeping) watched returns from the Democratic primaries in Louisiana, Nebraska and Washington. Grandma L noted that this would be the first of many nights in which Daniel watches election results with his parents. Though we plan not to dictate his interests, we are excited that our son is born at a time in our nation’s history where the Democratic nominee for president will be a woman or an African-American person. There are a lot of things about this county and this world that worry these two new parents. What will the environment look like when he is our age? Will he always be able to see a doctor when he needs one? Will he always have the kinds of love and support from extra familial resources as we have in so many of you? But as we look at the support network into which he has been born, the last few weeks’ primary results and his perfect little body in this room with us now, we truly, truly get the belief in a place called hope that one former president worked for, and that either of the two Democratic contenders will surely work for too.

PP cannot say enough about PM’s inner toughness and resilience. Her experience of labor was intense, extremely painful, and at times disappointing. Yet she was amazingly tough. She always thought first and foremost of her son’s best interest even in the midst of a 30 hour labor, culminating with major surgery. She is PP’s definition of toughness and PP’s experience of witnessing her labor of love on his behalf and on behalf of their new family is by far the most meaningful experience of his life. PP is proud to be PM’s partner in life, love, and parenting.

Is this the birth story that we hoped for? Clearly not. But our son is healthy; PM’s body is healing; and PP has been a beacon of hope, an endless source of strength, and the energizer bunny of baby care. We have amazing nursing staff around us, and a little longer than most new parents to enjoy them. We have everything we need, and a great deal more. Thank you for being a part of what we needed, and of the great deal more. We love you all, and we are blessed that you are the village that will help us raise this child.

Quick Baby Announcement

2008-02-09T17:35:00.001-05:00

Dear Friends and Loved Ones,
We were so pleased to welcome our son, Daniel Gradyn, born at 1:18pm on Friday, February 8th at UNC Hospitals. We labored for about 24 hours and wound up having to have a C-Section because the baby and PunkieMommie had developed an infection. Both Mom & Baby are recovering well. We are still at UNC Women’s Hospital, and assuming Daniel continues to respond well to antibiotics, we anticipate discharge on Monday. We look forward to posting a picture and a more detailed birth story as soon as energy permits, and we especially look forward to introducing you to Daniel soon.

Thanks for all your love, prayers, and support,
PM & PP

Dear Readers

2008-02-06T23:02:00.001-05:00

Dear Readers,
I’ve gotten several e-mails and comments from some of you with gentle, helpful tips and lots of prayers and well-wishes. I really want to thank all of you for that. I’m feeling vulnerable right now because I’ve been catching a good bit of flack from some very well intentioned people for the decision to get induced. It’s been vigorous and patronizing; it assumes that I’m not very smart and that I haven’t done good research. It has come, without exception, from women who have never had children or faced such decisions themselves; nor are they healthcare professionals. My cell phone has rung too much tonight.

I have enjoyed being able to be transparent about our process because, until recently, I never had to make a controversial decision and no one ever attacked me (it’s not like I’ve been smoking and drinking my way through pregnancy); but now that reasonable minds can differ about what the right decision is with regard to my health, my labor experience, and the well-being of this baby, I find myself feeling guarded. I’m clearly hormonal – weepy and short-tempered – but regardless of the reason, I’m finding that my feelings are really hurt by all the fervor dedicated to getting me to do things I don’t feel comfortable doing. Why do people do this? I know and respect these people, and under ordinary circumstances, they are interesting and likeable; so why in this vulnerable time are they so unkind? I really don’t get it. But I’m pretty okay (though still very disappointed) and I’m particularly grateful for all of you who have been so kind to us throughout this amazing, beautiful, sometimes difficult journey, especially in these last few days.

My love and hugs to all of you,
PM

Getting ready

2008-02-06T21:01:00.000-05:00

Hi there little one,
We're readying ourselves as best we can tonight. We went to a movie in an effort to distract ourselves and pass the time; your dad and I went for a walk in hopes that it would help you come. But now we've pretty well resigned ourselves to the inevitability that we will get induced tomorrow at 11am and that it's really the best decision. I'm not happy about it and I have not given up on the various homeopathic, herbal, naturalish, etc. remedies; but I'm happy with our decision to have this induction. We're really excited to meet you. Your aunt K is on her way here. Uncle S can't come because he has a job interview in Atlanta, but he'll be here in spirit. Our support network is on board - praying, thinking, sending good vibes - and we will see you soon. I hope this is the right decision and that by the time you meet us, you'll be happy to meet us too.

Love, Mom

Upping the Ante

2008-02-05T19:06:00.000-05:00

Hi Little Guy,
We had another false alarm today. Your dad and I went for a lovely walk, and were really enjoying this BEAUTIFUL day, when again, I thought I'd sprung a leak. This leak was much more convincing than the last one, but still, I didn't want to go in because the day was beautiful and I wanted more certainty before our next visit to the hospital. Alas, I called our nurse and she said that without question we had to go to the hospital to get checked out, and we did.

To make a long story short, the doctor at the hospital tested again and concluded that we still aren't in labor and we haven't dilated any more than we had last Sunday; but she also said that we should schedule an induction. She said that the chances of stillbirth are "exponentially higher" after we reach 41 weeks; and that while they occasionally do let people go to 42 weeks, it's really much riskier. She also said that since I'm dilated as much as I am, my chances of needing a C-section after getting induced remain low. So, your dad, your grandmother and I discussed it, and we decided to schedule the induction for Thursday morning at 11am. I'm a little sad about that because I had hoped to let you come in your own time, in your own way, but I also don't want to take any chances. Also, you are likely around 8lbs right now, and you will keep growing and growing as long as you're in there. I'm not looking for a painless delivery, but I hope for something possible. So, please, please, please, if you can intuit the content of these blog posts and my other communications with you, come soon!

Love, Mom

Trying to think about ANYTHING else

2008-02-05T07:51:00.000-05:00

It's hard to think about anything other than your imminent arrival these days. None of us - me, your dad, or your grandmother - really can. Last night we were pondering what to make for dinner, and we eliminated options that we thought might take a long time because we didn't want to be in the middle of them when we went into labor. Your aunt K and uncle S are still in Macon, and they want to know when to come, and I know that they need at least 8 hours notice if they are going to make it here in time for your birth, but I'm afraid to tell them to come because I'm just not at all sure I know how long it will be. I understand why people schedule inductions. I'm not ready to do that, but I get it. In the land of small blessings, though, I slept really well last night; at least, for someone who has had to get up to pee every 1/2 hour by day for the last two days, and every couple hours by nightfor a few nights. I only got up once in the whole night! And at 8:06am, your dad and grandmother are still sleeping. Your dad seems peaceful, and that's truly wonderful. I wondered if he'd really be able to catch up on any sleep before you came. So these moments are precious; nonetheless, we're all really hoping that the next moment will bring an unabashedly real contraction. Sigh. Please come.

Love, Mom

Today's Doctor's Appt.

2008-02-04T16:44:00.000-05:00

Well Kiddo,
You're still in there, but definately not for long. We went to the doctor today at 2:30, and my blood pressure had really jumped up. The first time they took it, it was 134/89, then they took it again and said it was 134/87, then they took it with me lying down, and it was 128/84. This borders on bad, and this brings back the concern of preeclampsia; but it isn't so bad that it's dangerous. We did talk about induction, but it isn't medically necessary, so I decided that I'd rather let you come the more traditional way. I say traditional, but I plan to stick with the evening primrose oil, rasberry tea, tincture, etc. because barring the medical induction route, I'm ready for you to arrive.

We didn't have a cervical exam today because after yesterday's exam, Dr. Schlegel said we're obviously pretty dilated, but all we can know at this point is that it "could happen anytime now." She and Donna (the nurse) both think you'll be here in the next day or so, and I just didn't think it was worth going through the medical induction if you're going to get here soon anyway. I'm not feeling quite so flexible about your arrival as I once did because your grandmother is here right now, and she'll have to go back to Macon on Monday of next week. She's a huge source of support for us and she'll be able to help us care for you as we recover from labor and delivery. We don't want her to have to go quickly home immediately after your birth. So, I do hope you know that we're ready for you. Your dad is resting on the couch, having finished all of his CPS work, and we're all trying to rest well until you come. We're really trying to make sure you have the readiest parents we can be for you. I really think we're 100% there; and that's good, because these funny, slightly uncomfortable twingy things happening around the circumference of my stomach might just be the beginning of your debut. I hope so. We can't wait to meet you.

Love, Mom

See you today?

2008-02-04T09:11:00.000-05:00

Hi Kiddo,
Last week we missed church because of a false alarm, so it seemed like an extra-special treat to get to go to church yesterday, 4cm. dilated. Thank-you for allowing us that. The sermon was excellent and it was wonderful to see everyone! I am confident that all will go well as we bring you into the world, but this was an especially nice way to begin what will surely be your birth week.

Today, at 2:30pm we have an appointment with the doctor (assuming nothing major changes in the next 5 hours). Who knows what that will reveal? Also, today is your great grandmother's (my paternal grandmother's) birthday. I wonder if you'll be born today?

Love, Mom

Here we go!

2008-02-03T13:55:00.000-05:00

Hi there, Little One,
It looks like something is afoot. I woke up with a false alarm, so I called labor and delivery and they had me come in. They did an cervical exam and it turns out that I'm 4cm dilated and 50% effaced. That's pretty incredible given the total absence of pain or discomfort these last few days, and the fact that as of Tueday we weren't even 1cm dilated. I wonder if all the tincture, red rasberry leaf tea, and two nights of large doses of evening primrose oil might have done all this! Actually, the doctor was kind of amazed at what she found when she examined me. She said it felt like they had inserted a foley bulb, which is one of the methods they use for inducing labor there at the hospital. (It's uncommon for someone to get to 4cm without being more effaced). She said "Interesting!" about a dozen times. The doctor said she thought it would be sometime in the next couple of days, and even said that we might well be in labor before our doctor's appointment at 2:30 tomorrow. So, Mom isn't going home. We're hanging out here and busying ourselves. Soon and very soon...

I can't wait to meet you!!!
Love, Mom

Acupressure Induction Instructions

2008-02-02T18:11:00.000-05:00

And here are instructions on using Acupressure from Ehow.com. Acupressure involves applying pressure using your fingers and thumbs on specific points. Using acupressure is a natural way to induce labor by helping the cervix to ripen and dilate. This is a completely safe way to induce labor for both mother and baby. Here are some acupressure techniques that you can use to induce labor.

Instructions
Difficulty: Moderately Easy

1
Step One
Push on the hoku spot which can be found on the top of your hand. It is located in the webbing between your forefinger and your thumb. Massage this area at an angle to stimulate contractions. It may feel slightly tender in this area. This affects the large intestine which surrounds a portion of the uterus.
2
Step Two
Rub the area called spleen 6 for one minute. To find this area, place four fingers above your ankle bone on the inside of your ankle. Applying pressure to this point helps ripen the cervix and strengthen weak contractions.
3
Step Three
Find the bladder 32 spot by tracing one finger width above the buttocks crease. You should feel a small indentation at this point. Massage this point for one minute.
4
Step Four
Apply pressure to BL60 to help the baby descend toward the pelvis. You can find this spot between your ankle bone and Achilles tendon.
5
Step Five
Press and rub these spots in a circular motion. It should feel sore or tender but not painful. Remove pressure when you feel a contraction. Continue with the acupressure after the contraction has subsided.
6
Step Six
Repeat applying pressure to these spots. You can repeat up to six cycles per time. Apply less pressure if it becomes painful.
7
Step Seven
Use these same techniques in the labor room. They can help ease your labor pains.

Info on Natural Labor Induction - for the curious

2008-02-02T18:05:00.000-05:00

Here are some of the most common methods women try to induce labor naturally from Natural Ways to Induce Labor

Sexual intercourse - This works in two ways to induce labor. First, female orgasm can bring on contractions. Second, semen contains prostaglandins. Prostaglandins work to help ripe and soften the cervix.

Nipple stimulation - Stimulating the nipples triggers the production of natural oxytocin. Oxytocin contracts the uterus.

Accupressure - Accupressure may be helpful in inducing labor. Some pressure points you can try are the roof of your mouth, the webbing of your fingers between your pointer finger and thumb, and above the ankle about four fingerspaces above is a pressure point.

Stripping the membranes - This can only be done by a health care provider. Your doctor or midwife will seperate the bag of waters from your cervix and this is thought to help encourage labor to start.

Raspberry Leaf Tea - Rasberry leaf tea is not actually known for it's labor inducing properties, but it is believed to be helpful in toning the uterus and helping with labor.

Cinnamin stick tea - Take cinnamin sticks and boil them into a tea and drink. It actually tastes good so even if it doesn't bring on labor it may help you to relax.

Evening primrose oil - Evening primrose oil comes in small capsules similar to vitamin E. It is believed to help soften and ripen the cervix.

Walking - Walking may help to get baby to drop into proper position.

Visualization/relaxation - Relaxation can help with labor induction. Try doing relaxation exercisers. They are also good practice for when labor actually begins.

Pineapple, cumin tea, eggplant parmesan, and spicy foods - are another thing you can try.

Projects

2008-02-02T15:50:00.000-05:00

Hi Little Guy,
Your grandmother and I are occupying ourselves with various little projects. We took Fichu and Rex to the dog park, went to breakfast, and did a little grocery shopping. She got a "nesting" (read: cleaning) urge so she's in the kitchen lemon scenting. I'm avoiding the kitchen because the smell gives me a headache. I'm particularly sickened by smells these last two days. I've never heard of that being a sign of impending labor, but I am familiar with that being true for women who are actually in labor. I wish I were. So, I tried the treadmill. Yuck. I'm punchy. I'm easily annoyed. I'm giving your dad too hard a time to get through this case because it's taking longer than he thought it would and I have the irrational idea that you can't come until he's finished. That's silly, of course. I'm not usually unreasonable; I suppose I could chalk it up to horomones, but that's not helpful because it doesn't make me any more fun to be around. I wonder what my being like this feels like to you inside me.

Hi

2008-02-01T23:25:00.000-05:00

Hi Kiddo,
Feb. 1 has come and gone, or it will have gone in 35 minutes. You seem comfortable and are fairly active. I'm getting anxious to meet you, so I do wish you'd come. Now, in addition to spicy foods, red rasberry leaf tea and that tincture, there's evening primrose oil. I'm not going to post the gory details because there are some things a kid just doesn't need to know about his mother, but for anyone who's 36 weeks along or later, I recommend you check out this link.

I spent the afternoon with your grandmother wandering around Carr Mill Mall and trying to be distracted from the obvious goal of going into LABOR!!! Your dad, meanwhile, is fighting chronic tension in his neck and back and even struggling with migraines; he has one case left to transfer and hopes that three hours of work will finish it out tomorrow. I'm so hopeful that he's right. We're both ready enough, though, so come when you can and know that we are really exciting about meeting you.

Love, Mom

Welcome to Your Due Date

2008-01-31T10:45:00.000-05:00

Dear Little One,
One of the reasons I started this blog was because I was surprised by the little that your grandparents remember about their pregnancies with your dad, your uncle, your aunt and me. They don't remember, for instance, whether we came before, after or on our due dates. I keep wanting them to know these things, but I'm sure without this blog I'd forget too. That said, I find it difficult to believe that I would forget this long period of anticipation. Maybe in 30 years, though, or whenever you find yourself wanting to know, I'll need reminding. So here's the reminder. As of 10:49 on the day you are "due," there's no sign at all of your coming.

I'm really pretty okay about that. I'm not impatient or especially uncomfortable. I'm grateful for every step of your dad's increasing closeness to readiness for paternity leave. He's really close to ready now. He has about 1hr. left on one case, and I hestitate to estimate how long he has left on the other, but the important thing is that if he were not able to finish it before you come, with this case it would be okay.

I still have a bunch of projects in my personal agenda which make me a little nuts if I think much about them. If nothing else they may help us pass the time, but the presence of a little chaos is probably more valuable than project completion, as it is a lesson in the unavoidable that it is not always possible to feel totally ready for things. I've been getting used to that idea with law school exams for the last 3 years (it's possible to make one's self crazy coming up with deeper and deeper knowledge of the law, and possible to blow an exam by indulging too much in the project of learning and writing about that), and now I can get used to it with waiting for a baby. I never had to deal with this feeling before law school. Before law school, I had the very comforting experience of being able to know with confidence that I was "ready" and "prepared" for every big-deal thing that happened in my life. No more! Your dad doesn't seem to be afflicted with the same desire for "readiness" that I have. I have a feeling his approach and mine are probably both extremes that, if blended properly, could have a very sanifying effect.

In other sanifying (yes, I made that word up, don't learn it for the GRE or SAT) events in our lives, your grandmother (my side) is on her way here. If you come soon, great! She's well prepared; if you don't come soon, we'll enjoy hanging out time, do some projects, and we'll take her to B&E's mardi gras party on Saturday and to church on Sunday.

By the way, have you considered whether you really want to be born on Ash Wednesday? Do you want to be born in Lent at all? If you don't, arrival by Tuesday would be a very good idea. No pressure, it's still totally up to you. Just food for thought.

Love, Mom

Intimidated by Eggplant

2008-01-29T23:33:00.001-05:00

Our friends Ed and Sarah told us about an eggplant parmesan recipe that women eat to induce labor. I'm intrigued. If you're old enough to read this, you're old enough to know that I have ZERO domestic skills, including in the kitchen; so I'm not sure I'm going to try this. But I was curious enough to track down the recipe on the internet, and I'm posting it here because (a) I might want to try this in a few days, and (b) anyone who reads this who has more confidence or bravery in the kitchen than I do at the moment may find it useful. So, copied and pasted info below.

For more than twenty years, women have gone to Scalini's Italian restaurant in Cobb County, Georgia, with one thing on their minds: To go into labor. They always order the Eggplant Parmesan, which, so far, has helped encourage more than 300 babies to come into the world within 48 hours of their mom eating the meal.
The restaurant promises results within two days. If you haven't had your baby by then, expectant moms get a gift certificate for another try.
The chefs at Scalini's shared their recipe with us. If it doesn't work, sorry, there's no gift certificate -- but you can use the recipe again, absolutely free of charge. (For best results, don't try it until your due date.)
Eggplant Parmesan alla Scalini's Ingredients:3 medium size eggplants1 cup of flour6 eggs, beaten4 cups fine Italian bread crumbs, seasonedOlive oil for sautéing8 cups of marinara sauce*1/2 cup of grated Romano cheese1/2 cup of grated Parmesan cheese1/2 lbs of mozzarella cheese shredded2 cups of ricotta cheese

Instructions:After you wash the eggplant, slice them into 1/4 inch thick slices. You may choose to peel the eggplant before you slice it, however you may want to leave the skin on since the skin contains a lot of vitamins. Place the eggplant slices on a layer of paper towels and sprinkle with a little salt, then cover with another layer of paper towels and hold it down with something heavy. This will drain the excess moisture. Let them set for about an hour.
Working with one slice of eggplant at a time, dust with flour, then dip in beaten eggs, then coat well with bread crumbs. Saute' in preheated olive oil on both sides until golden brown.
In baking dish, alternate layers of marinara sauce, eggplant slices, ricotta, parmesan, and romano cheeses, until you fill the baking dish about an 1/8 inch from the top. Cover with shredded mozzarella cheese and bake for 25 minutes in 375 degree oven. Let set for 10 minutes before serving.
Scalini's Marinara Sauce 2 tablespoons of chopped garlic3 tablespoons of olive oil8 cups chopped tomatoes (fresh or canned)1 cup onions chopped1/2 cup of fresh chopped parsley1 teaspoon of oregano1 teaspoon of crushed red pepper1/8 cup of fresh chopped sweet basilPinch of thymePinch of rosemaryOne teaspoon salt One teaspoon black pepper
Lightly sauté the onions in olive oil in large pot for a few minutes. Add garlic and saute' another minute. Add tomatoes and bring sauce to boil, then turn heat to low. Add remaining ingredients, stir, cover and let simmer for one hour, stirring occasionally.
Source

No progress at all.

2008-01-29T12:39:00.000-05:00

Well little guy,
It seems likely that you will be a February baby. We just got back from the doctor, who did a cervical check, and it appears that I have not dilated one iota from the last cervical check, which was on the 7th or 8th of January. I'm simultaneously a little disappointed by that but also quite relieved. It was a lot easier for me to send your dad off to work for the afternoon because we were able to agree that tonight he will come to bed at a normal time - whether the work is done or not. If you should surprise us and come soon it will be fine. February 1 is still our favorite choice but it really doesn't matter anymore. All this said, the fact that I'm not progressing at all means that I'm now up for the natural induction route. I had already started a little bit of natural induction stuff. Specifically, I'm taking a tincture by Suki Roth called "Labor & Delivery Support" that our doula recommended. It's granola, no doubt, but I'm open. It has blue and black cohash in it, which are thought to be labor inducers, as well as a bunch of other things. I'm also drinking red rasberry leaf tea, which is said to help the cervix and uterus tone up for the work of labor, and is generally recommended for people trying to speed things along. Effectively today, though, it's no holds barred. I'm up for bumping around on gravel roads, power walking, eating spicy foods, and whatever else I come across from remotely reputable sources. The one thing I'm not desperate enough to try yet is castor oil, especially now that I just read about exactly what that entails. Yuck! The doctor even mentioned that as a possibility today, but I'm just not ready to go there. I'll stay tuned for your decision, but from out here, I'll try to make it a little easier for you to come whenever you think the time is right.

Much love and eagerness,
Mom

2 days from due date and readiness is still an arm's length away

2008-01-29T09:51:00.000-05:00

Well little one,
Readiness is just around the corner. It's not here, which had been our goal, but it's close. Yesterday was supposed to be your dad's last full day of work. By "full day" that seems to mean "period of 24 hours of work." That is, he didn't come to bed this morning until 4:30am, nor did he come to bed yesterday morning until 4:30am. He's been up working. His work isn't finished yet so after the doctor's appointment that we have to leave for in 15 minutes, he'll return to working (at his office) and will make a home visit this afternoon. He says he thinks he'll get the case he's currently working on transferred this afternoon, which would be really good. It's the second to last case. The other one is less intense and doesn't require the same amount of attention.

After that false alarm the other day, my mom decided that assuming you haven't arrived by Thursday, she's just going to leave Macon after her Thursday morning class and to come to Chapel Hill. She figures she'll just wait for you here as opposed to waiting for you in Macon. I like that idea. It relieves me of the stressful decision of telling her "yes, it's time; come now" or "no, I don't think this is the real thing yet; come later."

You could be here by then, though. There's really no telling. That's the wildness of this whole thing.

More late-pregnancy body weirdness

2008-01-28T07:10:00.000-05:00

That episode of "more than over-eagerness" that I had last Wednesday night reappeared last night and I must say, this is not amusing. We were out running errands before church and I had some very long, very intense episodes of severe discomfort, mostly focused in my lower back and also present in my low abdomen. They were severe enough that my eyes watered and we had to abort our plans to go to church. This was somewhat more intense than the version of this experience I had on Wednesday. I don't recall nausea that time, and this time I was somewhat nauseous.

Contractions certainly do occur during these episodes, but they happen painlessly all the time, and even during these episodes of discomfort, they don't appear to be all that related to the episodes. The episodes last for 6-10 minutes and when they abate, they don't leave me feeling normal, as I understand that contractions would normally do; instead, they leave me feeling a duller, lower-grade ache in the interim. Each of the two times, these episodes have intensified and waned over the course of about an hour. Then, I return to absolute normal.

I'd be curious to know if anyone has any thoughts on what these episodes are and whether they serve some useful purpose. Last night, I called Labor and Delivery to ask what this was. (My mom, sister, and soon-to-be brother-in-law will all be coming from about 8 hours away, and I want to give them as much notice as possible once I figure out that I'm really in labor - whenever that happens - so I thought calling labor and delivery might help me to clear that up.)

The nurse listened as I described this experience, and she said that it sounded like early labor but she definately didn't feel confident enough about it that I should call in my family. (Actually, my mother called during one of the more intense episodes of pain, so she and my sister were already on alert.) But she said that sometimes people have something come on strong like this, then the contractions will "peeter out" and not come again for a long while. She called this "latent early labor." But I'm still not at all sure that the pain came from the contractions. It seemed more to me that the contractions were just happening from time to time amid the pain. The nurse said that if this is, indeed, "latent early labor" it could last for days, and I suppose that I won't have any clarity on those episodes until I have a more normal experience of labor and can compare them.

Carseats

2008-01-26T20:53:00.000-05:00

Wow, there's a lot to learn about car seats. I had no idea. But today we took both cars to the Carrboro Fire Department to have car seat bases installed in both cars, and to learn how to properly use the car seat itself. We chose to go to this particular fire department because we'd heard from some friends that they really spend time with you there and that they really teach the important stuff about car seat safety. I'm so glad we went there because I NEVER would have gotten it all right.

While we were there, they told us that lots of fire departments in the surrounding areas (including Wake Co.) are getting out of helping with car seat installations and at other places (e.g., Chapel Hill) they will slap the seat into the car for you but they don't teach the important stuff. But the folks at Carrboro are really eager and excited to help. For the Triangle area expecting parents who read this blog, here's some info for you in case you decide to get your car seats inspected there.

Telephone: 919-918-7347
Email: fire@ci.carrboro.nc.us
Location: Adjacent to Town Hall, 301 W. Main St., 27510

From http://www.carrborofire.org/carseats.htm:
The Carrboro Fire-Rescue Department is proud to be a permanent checking station for child passenger safety seats. This service is availble to the entire Carrboro community and all other surrounding communities. We strongly encourage everyone to come by to have their child safety seat inspected for safety and correct installtion.

Our Regular Hours of Operation: Saturdays, 9:30am to 11:30am. However, we are available on all other days to perform safety checks, schedule and time permitting. If you would like to have your car seat installation checked on a particular day and time, feel free to fill out our online appointment form to schedule a time, or you may call ahead to arrange a time. The number to call for an appointment is 919-918-7347.

About the Program
The first and most important goal of the program is to have every child who arrives at our station leave safer than when he or she came. Thus every child safety seat check we complete strives for the following:
- Ensure the child has an appropriate seat for their age, weight, size, and the vehicle they will be riding in.
- Educate the parents, guardians, and anyone who will be transporting the child regarding the best practices to follow when installing the seat in their car.
- Demonstrate the proper way to secure a child in the seat.
- Check for any manufacturer recalls, safety, or defect issues.
- Ensure compatibility between the car seat and the vehicle.
- Provide additional information on other agencies's child safety programs.

Installing a Child Safety Seat Is Not a Simple Task
Persons who go about the task of properly installing a car seat are often surprised to discover that the process is anything but straightforward. Our nationally certified technicians undergo 40 hours of training, and they must recertify every two years. At a miniumum, our firefighters must complete a 16 hour course before participating in a child safety seat check. Installing a car seat requires such extensive training because every car is different and every car seat is different. Thus, how one installs the same car seat in one vehicle may be quite different in another. Additionally, the type of seat appropriate for a child will change several times as the child grows and develops. All of these factors complicate the installation process, and thus a correct installtion is achieved only when great care is taken.

Even with all the best intentions on the part of parents and caregivers, statistics have shown that more than 90% of the car seats brought into checking stations are installed incorrectly. A correct installtion is of paramount importance because if a seat is not correctly installed, and the child is not correctly strapped into the seat, it will fail to provide the level of safety and protection it was designed to afford in the event of a wreck.

Your first decision!

2008-01-25T09:06:00.001-05:00

I read recently that some studies indicate that the baby him/herself actually somehow gets the labor process started. I think that’s so cool - your first decision! And I want you to make that decision totally based on when you’re ready to come, so the fact that you aren’t here yet is a-okay by me. I do have very unpleasant lower back pain as I type this, and it woke me up several hours ago and kept me awake for the rest of the wee-hours of morning. But I signed up for this, and I also don’t want to sound like I’m rushing you out of there. Actually, I find myself feeling just a tiny bit (very tiny bit) sentimental. After all, I don’t expect to be pregnant more than one more time in my life, and this has been a very special journey. But for my readiness to meet you, your dad’s readiness to share in care for you and relationship with you, and the fact that I’m physically uncomfortable, I wouldn’t be at all eager for you to exit my womb. That said, science says you will and medicine says you should come out of there in the next three weeks. (Welcome to the 40th week of pregnancy!) So, I thought I’d give you the pro’s and con’s of a few of the upcoming possibilities.

January 25, 2008 – that’s today. Your dad is in court all morning and we have a lunch date with Ed and Sarah around 11:30, so if you decided to come in the next few hours it might be a touch inconvenient. However, we have no need for you to be convenient; children are, by their nature, inconvenient and that’s as it should be. No worries. Also a “convenience” matter, but also one of sentiment, is that your grandmother on my side is in Texas and would not be able to get here if you came today. If you hang on past tomorrow, she’ll be able to come. But warning: our doula works today and we’d have to get a back-up doula if you came today.

January 26, 2008 – that’s tomorrow. Tomorrow would be fine, especially if you could wait until afternoon. I say that because we forgot (like totally irresponsible, non-parental people) to take your car seat to be installed/inspected at the Carrboro Fire Department last Saturday. They do car seat stuff on Saturday mornings, and your dad and I just completely forgot about it. We won’t be forgetting tomorrow, I assure you! So, hanging on past tomorrow is ideal. We really want you to have a perfectly installed car ride for the way home, so perhaps you should hangout inside until then. At this point, our doula will be working as well, so we’ll have a sub if you come tomorrow.

January 27, 2008 – that’s Sunday. Sunday is church day, so while the chances of your grandmother coming are great, the chances of our priest coming are bad. She’s very special to us and if she can’t come that will be a kind of a bummer, but we’ll get over our disappointment and be very happy to meet you! The other person who wouldn’t be able to join us is our doula, since she’ll be traveling for 3 days. She’ll actually be unavailable until the 30th, so if you’re invested in Andee being with us, hangout a little while.

January 28, 2008 – this is Monday, your dad’s last official day of work. He has a meeting to go to, and if I know him, he’ll be running on FUMES because if you haven’t come yet, he’ll spend the whole weekend working on dictation. This job as a child protective services/foster care social worker has been extremely fulfilling, but also extremely taxing on him. He hasn’t had a decent night’s sleep in weeks. Getting all of his cases transferred before paternity leave is hard for him because (a) there’s an enormous amount of paperwork to do, and (b) he’s become extremely attached to his families. For anyone out there who has ever wondered about the people who do child protection work, know that at least where PunkiePapa is concerned, he loves the parents as well as the children by the time he’s gotten into the case, and every bump or step along the road has emotional implications for the social worker as well as for the families. Anyway, the point for you to know is that your dad will really be elated to meet you, but don’t take it personally if he’s a little more disoriented and wiped out than he otherwise would be. If you are able to wait a couple days longer, that would be really nice because I’d like for him to be able to be fully rested and totally present to the birthing experience.

January 29, 2008 – One of my classmates from school says that this is his birthday, and if he’s any indication of what this birthday produces, this day would be an excellent choice. Be born today! It has the added benefit of being the day of the Florida primary. Your dad and I would have at least one diversion to help us pass the time through labor pains. I’m not sure if the voice of Larry King is really the last thing you want to have heard from the womb, though.

January 30, 2008 – This is also the birthday of someone we know and love. You’ll know her, Barbara, because she has offered to babysit for you. You’ll like her a lot, I think. Anyway, if she is an indication of what happens from being born on 1/30, go for it!

January 31, 2008 – This is your due date, but that’s the only thing recommending it. It also has the advantage that your dad should be fully rested up by then.

February 1, 2008 – Not that it matters, but this is my favorite option. (1) The doctor who has cared for us all along will be on call and she would be able to deliver you (assuming there’s no one else in need of an emergency c-section or anything); (2) Andee, our doula, will be back and available; (3) your dad should be well rested by then; (4) by this point, the sooner you come the better because your dad’s paternity leave clock will be ticking and the time grows ever closer till I start my new job as an in-home family therapist.

February 3, 2008 – Totally irrelevant in my opinion, but it is Superbowl Sunday, and you might want to know that.

February 5, 2008 – This is Super Tuesday. 22 primary elections will take place on this day, and your dad and I are watching the primaries with bated breath, so if you’re of a political mind, perhaps you could be some candidate’s good-luck charm. Again, not especially relevant in the short-term of your life, but I’m sure we’ll attribute some meaning to it if you’re born on that day.

So there is some relevant information about when you might consider coming. I hope that you’ve got some good advisors in there with you letting you know what other factors you might want to consider. Know that your dad and I will be eager and ready for you whenever you come. We trust your wisdom and look forward to meeting you really soon.

Much love, Mom

That was more than over-eagerness

2008-01-24T13:57:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I posted that I'd felt a lot of these strange, not wholly miserable sensations at the dog park. I wondered what they were but only in an intrigued, curious sort of way. Then last night, I went to your dad's office, and I helped him with some sorting and other tidying tasks. I got some wildly uncomfortable pains during that project. For about an hour, I had really strong B-H contractions. I know they were B-H contractions only because you aren't born yet and I'm still hunched over a massive belly to type this. But having read that these "practice" contractions get stronger as the time draws closer was not sufficiently descriptive to prepare me for last night. In fact, there were times that I thought my intuition had been all off and that you were coming last night. And yet, thank-goodness, you are still safe inside. Your dad is stressed out at court today, and tonight is our last session of pregnancy photography. I have gotten some good reading suggestions (thanks Hil & Jenny) and plan to pick up a book tonight. Hang out in there a little longer if you can.

Love, Mom

Cramps? Contractions? Over-eagerness?

2008-01-23T15:09:00.000-05:00

These last couple of weeks – combining the bed rest experience and the freezing weather (snow, ice, misery) of the last week – and the slowing down of my nesting process had gotten me into a bit of a funk. I didn’t really recognize the funk until today when the sun came out and the temperatures got up to 50. It was great! I got out to the law school and walked over to main campus for a meeting, and I really enjoyed it all. Sunlight infused Vitamin D is my friend! I feel like a million bucks.

That said, wow have I had some crazy lower back and lower abdominal pain today! It is subsiding now, but for about the last hour, it came in waves and was very frequent, but not regular. I suspect that it’s because I did a bit of fast walking from my car to the student union and around in the law school, and that has been known to trigger these sensations for me in the past. They were just more intense than I remembered them, and I didn’t experience them while I was walking this time. This time, they waited until I took Rex to the dog park. Then I sat on a bench and chatted with a lady as they came and went. They were definitely distracting, but I was still able to carry on the conversation, so I concluded that they weren’t labor, or at least, weren’t anything to worry about yet. Actually, it’s a strange reality, but as uncomfortable as these sensations were, I didn’t find them unpleasant. Rather, I find them novel. I’m curious about them.

I poked around on the internet and found one statement that said “in late pregnancy Braxton Hicks contractions may become more frequent, intense and even painful. These contractions are not strong enough to deliver your baby but they may cause the cervix to efface (thin) and begin dilating in preparation for true labour.” I’m all for that. I like the idea that while I was sitting on the bench at the dog park my body might have been doing some of the dilating and effacing that would otherwise happen in labor. I also found a statement that “real labor pains [as opposed to B-H contractions] may be in the lower abdomen or in the lower back and abdomen and may spread to the upper thighs.” That sounds like what I was experiencing, so maybe that’s what my real labor contractions will feel like, whenever they come.

In the meantime, I came across a resource that I’d recommend to any expecting-mom who has a few minutes to read an internet document. It’s not too long. It’s called “A Doula’s Guide to the Final 6 Weeks of Pregnancy: Taking Care of Yourself, and Preparing for Labor” and the URL is http://www.transitiontoparenthood.com/ttp/Doula/doulaguide.doc. I hope others find it helpful. It’s a useful reminder of some things and had some new information (at least for me).

Mommie needs a book recommendation (PLEASE HELP, READERS!!) – or a hobby – or something.

2008-01-22T11:16:00.000-05:00

Well, beautiful Boy, you are due in about 9 days and I’m about as bored as I’ve ever been in my whole life. I want to paint the living room, but your dad has totally vetoed that idea. He makes a good point that I’d be inviting a bunch of chaos which we’d have to live with for a long time if you decided to be born in the middle of the project. I also shouldn’t inhale a bunch of paint fumes or stand high-up on a ladder.

Your room is ready; the laundry is done; the hospital bag is packed; the cleaning guy has been here (I just looked at the kitchen, though, and there might be a little work I can do in there today). I’ve read everything in the house; and since you’re dad is still swamped with work, I’m not willing to start doing any of those things which might hasten your arrival. I’ve sure been fantasizing about them though… Walking a lot, sex, swinging/bumping, drinking various herbal concoctions, eating spicy food… All of these things not only make me nervous, they make me hopeful. How weird is that? But your dad has three more cases to close before he’s ready to take his paternity leave and two big days of court at the end of the week. Once those things are all done, and once he’s had a good day or two to recover from the all-nighter he pulled last night and any all-nighters he pulls between now and then, you’ll find a world waiting for you with eager and open arms.

So how have I been occupying myself lately? (I should explain, in case I haven’t already, that I am not taking classes this semester so that I can stay home and be a mom. Thus, it was only after my projects from last semester that wrapped up that this boredom set in.)

Reading. I really like fiction; specifically fiction with strong female main characters and usually, by female authors. I particularly like Anita Shreve books. A random smattering of other books I enjoyed a lot include “Ahab’s Wife,” “The Pilot’s Wife,” and “The Passion of Artemisia.” But reading for pleasure is just not something I’ve been able to allow myself in law school, so I’m unplugged from what I’d like to read, and I need a book suggestion. Help, anyone?

I’ve been trying to read about preparing for you. Some of this has been extremely helpful. I have enjoyed: The Baby Book – William and Martha Sears; The No-Cry Sleep Solution – Elizabeth Pantley; and my favorite, "Raising a happy, unspoiled child" - Burton L. White. Some books have been unhelpful and incompatible with my values. Some examples of books I have NOT enjoyed are “What to expect when you’re expecting (it’s alarming to read all the possible things that can go wrong);” and “The Girlfriend’s Guide to the First Year” (do these people even like their children?.

Watching TV. Why did I ever think I would enjoy this activity? I didn’t, actually. TV is just anesthesia to pass time. On DVR I had saved up a few episodes of “House,” which I enjoyed, but are now gone. I also had a few “ER” “Boston Legal” and “House of Babies” and a huge number of “Baby Story” and “Bringing Home Baby.” Believe me. There’s only so much TV a soul can watch. If I had to sit through the commercials (instead of fast forwarding through them) I’d never have watched as much as I did, but I’ve still deleted more than I’ve watched.

We went to the doctor this morning, and all looks fine. I’m measuring 38cm, which means I’m about the same as I was last week. That’s normal. The uterus just can’t get any bigger. My weight also stayed the same (170lbs – hardly a call to celebration, but since it’s been there for 3 weeks, at least I’m not gaining anymore). My blood pressure was higher than I think is good – 128/77 (they like it to be lower than 120/80 so I’m in an okay range, but I thought mine used to be lower than this). The doctor also mentioned that she is on call on Feb. 1, and that she might deliver our baby. That’s exciting because the likelihood of getting her is ordinarily quite low. She just isn’t on-call that much.

Our due date is January 31, but most babies are born sometime between 38 and 42 weeks gestation. That means according to the generic odds out there, you could come any moment, but my intuition says you’re still a week or so away. So, I need something to occupy me. I’ll help your dad at work a little, in the few limited ways that I can (copying, etc…) but anyone who has ideas for a good book I could check out, please let me know! If anyone needs some free infant care, I’d love to help you out! If anyone needs company, call on me! In the meantime, I’ll just nap, putter, and blog.

Photo Session 3

2008-01-18T16:47:00.000-05:00

Hi Kiddo,

Don Kennedy, photographer extraordinaire, sent me several photos from our third photo session. By the time we shot these, I think you'd been swimming around in there for about 25 weeks. For those who see these and are interested, contact Don at don@donkennedyphotography.com and check out more of his work at http://www.donkennedyphotography.com/. He's fantastic!

More later.

Love, Mom

Getting to know your grandfather

2008-01-16T13:40:00.000-05:00

Hey PunkieKid,

My mother (your grandmother) just sent me the link to an article from a paper about your grandfather. I thought it was a pretty good summary of where he is at this point in his life, as he becomes a grandfather, and it sums up a lot of his history. I will try to get histories up of other important people in your life, but I don't know how exactly, or when, that will happen. For now, I thought I'd repost the article here.

LONG ROAD: STEPS OF FAITH Dan Edwards' latest stop on spiritual journey is leading state's Episcopalians By JOHN PRZYBYS

If he wanted to, Dan Edwards could carry on a pretty spirited interfaith dialogue just by talking to himself.
Consider his spiritual resume: Born and raised a Baptist. Attended a Presbyterian church during high school, and atheist, or at least agnostic, during the latter part of college. Buddhist during much of his career as an attorney working on behalf of minorities and the disenfranchised. And, for the past few decades, an Episcopalian and, even, an Episcopal priest.
It's not a typical resume for an ordained Episcopal clergyman. But, for Edwards, all were necessary steps that prepared him for his latest calling: bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of Nevada.
Edwards, 57, was consecrated as bishop Saturday during a liturgy at the Henderson Convention Center. He now serves as spiritual leader of about 6,000 Episcopalians throughout Nevada and in Bullhead City, Ariz.
He is intellectual enough to outline the varying approaches of Eastern and Western religious thought toward social activism, articulate enough to liken his eclectic faith journey to having "hopped on several spiritual lily pads over the course of my life," and witty enough to employ the theme from "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" as his cell phone ring tone ("I've been trying to figure out whether it has some Trinity theme in it ... ").
Edwards was born in Texas, in a small town outside Texarkana, to what he describes as a "struggling, working class" family. He was raised a Baptist, and was a very good Baptist at that.
"I was religious as a kid," he says, smiling. "I probably took my parents to church more than they took me to church, even as a child."
Yet -- and, maybe, in a sign of things to come -- the young Edwards even then showed ecumenical leanings.
"One of the things that was confusing to me in my childhood spirituality as a little Baptist was that I always felt these urges to bless things and to forgive sins," Edwards says, laughing. "That's sort of more Catholic piety, which really made no sense in my religious context."
Edwards entertained -- albeit briefly -- childhood notions of someday becoming a clergyman. Instead, after graduating high school, he enrolled in the University of Texas at Austin as an undergraduate, following that up by attending the university's law school.
As early as middle school, "I was interested in law because I was impressed by the courage it takes to be a lawyer representing unpopular people and unpopular causes," Edwards says. "I was struck by the importance of keeping society open and inclusive, and I believed that lawyers played an important role in protecting that openness and inclusivity."
After law school, Edwards spent 12 years practicing law in Colorado and Idaho, working on behalf of migrant farm workers and American Indians. But, by then, his spiritual life had downshifted.
"Sometimes, you hear people who were beaten up or burned by their fundamentalist upbringing," he says. "I was not beaten up or burned, but I did become bored with it."
In high school, Edwards had joined a Presbyterian church because "it was a church where open-minded inquiry was practiced." In college, he became interested in "a more philosophical kind of religion which, within a few years, had developed into a religion of social activism."
But, Edwards continues, "the religion part of it came to seem superfluous. So the religion dropped away and my mind really became about social action and advocacy. And that was essentially an atheist period or, at least, an agnostic-leaning-toward-atheistic period."
However, during law school, Edwards began meditating, "simply for the purpose of stress management. But in the course of meditation, I discovered something much deeper and wider than stress management."
"That was an experience of what I would now call 'God' and I didn't have much of a word for it then," he says. "But that sent me off on a path of searching Eastern religions."
During the early years of his law practice, Edwards was a practicing Buddhist. But, he says, "there came a point when that was no longer adequate for me."
Christianity again called, in part because the message of Jesus meshes so well with Edwards' own interest in social justice and advocacy on behalf of the poor and suffering. In addition, Edwards says his law practice "brought me into encounters with depths of evil I had not experienced before," including the case of an alleged contract killing that took place amid "a larger network of deceit and malevolence (that) was pretty discouraging."
"It was a very dark chapter," Edwards recalls, "and I was looking for a story big enough to have such a dark chapter in it and still come out with a good ending. And Christianity offered me that."
It was then that Edwards "kind of came to the Episcopal church without believing in it. But I decided I would do it as an experiment."
He attended worship regularly. He committed prayers from the Anglican Book of Common Prayer to memory, and recited the prayers throughout the day, saying them "whether I believed them or not."
"And, sometimes, it was painful to say the prayers," Edwards says. "But, as uncomfortable as it was, I kept feeling, sensing, intuiting that there was something to it."
And, little by little, Edwards felt something changing.
"We have a saying in the church: Praying shapes believing," he says. "We don't figure it all out, then pray out of what we have figured out. We pray, and prayer opens the heart and opens the mind. It shifts things in very deep ways inside us."
A key moment came when Edwards visited a man in prison. "He had a rap sheet five pages long: attempted murder, grand larceny, child molesting," he says.
Edwards had been reciting the Jesus Prayer (one version goes: "Lord Jesus, son of the living God, have mercy on me."), and, he says, "you practice it until it becomes kind of a background noise in your head.
"I was visiting this fellow and he came in -- a slim, dark man, a beard. I didn't have much Spanish and he didn't have any English, and we were struggling to communicate. During one silence, I looked at him and noticed this prayer in my head. And I really had this experience: I really felt the presence of Christ in this five-page felon. And that was profound. I wasn't the same after that."
Edwards began participating more fully in the Episcopal church he attended. He was confirmed in the church. "I found myself more and more alive and feeling more and more like myself than I ever did before," he says.
At 35, Edwards began to consider seriously seeking ordination. In 1987, after wrapping up loose ends from his law practice, Edwards entered seminary. After ordination, he served as curate at Christ Church in Macon, Ga., for four years, then for 13 years at St. Francis Episcopal Church in Macon. In October, Nevada Episcopalians chose him to succeed former Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori, who now is presiding bishop of the United States Episcopal Church.
Edwards is as surprised as anybody that his ministerial journey has led him to become a bishop. In fact, he jokes, "my seminary classmates are as amazed as I am to see me here.
"There is a normal path to becoming bishop, and I have not followed it. I left being assistant at a fairly large, well-established church in Macon to go to a very small and struggling church in Macon -- not the sort of place where you look for bishops. A wonderful, delightful place, but not a bishop farm team of the church."
He threw his hat in the ring only after a fellow priest who previously had served here suggested at a pre-Lenten retreat in Atlanta that Edwards might be a good fit with the Nevada diocese. Edwards was skeptical, but checked out the diocesan Web site anyway.
"I fell in love with (the diocese)," he says. "I saw the people on the Web site and I just thought, 'These are people I'd like to know better and have for friends.' "
Edwards looked at the photos of the desert here and remembered that "all of my best encounters with God have been in the desert." He read about the kinds of ministry the diocese does -- heavy on social justice -- and the profile of what Nevadans wanted in their new bishop.
And, he says, "I just thought, 'Gosh, that doesn't sound like what I normally think of in a bishop. I don't know that it sounds like me, but it sounds more like me than it does my stereotype of a bishop."
Deacon Sandy Oetjen of All Saints Episcopal Church in Las Vegas, a member of the diocesan search committee, says Edwards brings "a broad range of experience" to the diocese. And, because of his work with American Indians and migrants in Colorado and Idaho, he also "has some familiarity with the kind of Western way of approaching things."
"We're a very different kind of diocese, and that was important to us: That somebody would recognize the differences between us and one of these very large dioceses."
And, Oetjen says, Edwards and his wife, Linda Holdeman Edwards -- an attorney and a law professor at Mercer College in Macon, she and Edwards met while working in a legal aid office in Colorado -- brought "absolute enthusiasm from the start."
That's certainly true. Two days before his consecration, Edwards already seemed eager to dive into his new calling, explore his new home and meet some new friends, which should come easily to him.
"I'm having fun," he says. "I'm having a tremendous time.
"I have just delighted in calling people I've known over the years and just describing the wonderful array of characters I'm meeting out here. Interesting people. Colorful people. Delightful people. Warm people. Friendly people. Ornery people. Cantankerous people. Eccentric people. All delightful in their own ways."
"There are very few -- very, very few -- dioceses where I could conceivably function as a bishop," Edwards says, smiling. "This is not only one of them. This is the best of them."

2008-01-16T12:20:00.001-05:00

Jeni asked for more info re: how we chose a pediatrician, and I decided to post the answer in a regular post in case other people were interested as well. Keep in mind, most of what I say about this is from googling around. We spent a lot of time looking for "questions to ask pediatrician" and "how to choose pediatrician" and then we moved on to actual doctors' websites. We did almost all of our research on the doctors' websites because pediatricians have gotten pretty used to the fact that people like to find out a lot about the people who might be caring for our little ones. But also, we do think it's important to interview them and the fact that the majority of them offer free initial meetings to assess whether they are the right doctor for you makes it easy to do that. That said, it's not that easy. Time is hard to come by, especially when I have doctors appointments of my own to go to every week, and considering that I spent "pediatrician interviewing" week on bedrest. So, PunkiePapa and I wanted to do the majority of research from the comfort of our living room, and we were able to do that without difficulty. The list below includes some questions that we found on the internet (http://www.babyresource.com/pediatrician-questions.htm) that I found helpful, but like I said, most of this can be found out from a website.

The purpose of going to the office was to get more of a feel for the place and the people. At the pediatrician's that we chose, the doctor and all of the staff were warm and friendly. They were laid back and seemed colleagial with eachother. We didn't have to wait very long in the waiting room (important when there are likely to be a lot of contagious kids around). The doctor was only fashionably late and he was happy to see us. He took our questions seriously and didn't pressure us to commit to using his office. He spent about 20 minutes with us and didn't seem in a hurry at all. He spoke comfortably about being a father of 4 himself and about how parenting is challenging. He didn't presume to know all the answers to every parenting question. He seemed to have a healthy respect for the difference between medical questions (which he is expert on) and parenting questions (which he says he can offer some insights on, but readily admits that he defers to parenting experts for non-medical questions). I should also say, we asked a lot of the people we know and think are really good parents who they use, and we got a lot of good advice about who is good, accessible, and caring in our area. There were a few names that popped up again and again, and we started our research with an emphasis on those (or rather, the ones our insurance covered and were not too far away).

Pediatrician Background, Credentials, Experience
They suggest that you ask "When and where did the pediatrician complete medical school and residency?" but I don't know why that is helpful. I don't know the difference between a good and a bad med school or residency. But some people might, so ask if you like.

Are they a member of the American Academy Of Pediatrics or any other specialty organization? Again, I don't really know how useful this is, but I do want to know that they are keeping up with the recommendations and research of the specialty organizations. We listened for references to those groups and we were delighted to hear several times that our doctor pays a lot of attention to what the most current practices are.

How long has the pediatrician been in practice? I care about this because I want to know that he's pretty experienced, but not stale.

Does the pediatrician have any areas of subspecialty? For our doctor, yes, preventative medicine. Hot dog! I like that.

What hospitals does the pediatrician have privileges at? Our doctor said that their practice has priviledges at UNC Hospitals, which is where our child will be delivered, but he also said that the peds people there are so good that they actually don't often go to the hospital, at least, not for a healthy new birth. That was fine with us.

How soon after the baby is born will the pediatrician come to see it at the hospital? Not at all, for the reasons I just explained, but they like to see a new baby within 3 days of coming home from the hospital.

How does the pediatrician feel about mothers calling in after hours over "little things"? This is important. Also, my husband and I are big e-mailers. We tend to e-mail unless we are really freaked out about something. So, it matters to us that our pediatrician is happy to communicate via e-mail. In the event that you are different from us and prefer the phone, then make sure to ask "Is there a specific time during the day that the doctor will take phone calls?"

Office Logistics
Is the office conveniently located for less travel time with a sick child? Does the practice have multiple offices you can visit?
What are the office hours and are there any early morning or late evening hours for working parents?
How long in advance must you book appointments?
Are there any diagnostic facilities on site such as X-rays, blood work, etc.?
What lab work can be performed at the pediatrician's office?
Is there a specific time during the day that the doctor will take phone calls, and how does the office handle your phone in questions?
How does the office deal with after hours emergencies?
Is there a 24 hour answering services that can connect you to a doctor?
Who covers for the doctor when they are on vacation?
Does the office mail out reminders for scheduled immunizations and checkups?

Fees, Methods of Payment
How much are the fees for standard office visits?
Are immunization shots extra, or are they included in the office visit charge?
Does the pediatrician accept your insurance?
How are insurance claims handled, and will the pediatrician bill your insurance company directly.
Do they accept checks and credit cards?
Is payment due at the time visit, or will the pediatrician bill you?
What happens if you miss a scheduled visit? Can you easily reschedule?

I really like our doctor on a gut level. I like everything I've learned about him and his practice, too, which affirms the opinion of my gut. I know that we can change if something changes and we don't like him anymore. (My own parents fired my first pediatrician when I was about 90 minutes old because they suddenly didn't think he was so great after all). But I don't think that's going to be an issue. I think that for us, this guy is tops. I hope this is helpful, and I hope everyone else out there trying to make this choice finds someone they like as much as I think we like ours.

Warm and Bright - Thank Goodness!

2008-01-16T11:41:00.000-05:00

First thing’s first, the thing I’d been most wondering about (and trust that you might have been also): My capacity for stillness had just about expired, and hallelujah, I’m free to buzz! My BP improved and my weight didn’t go up. I’m cleared to return to my normal self! In that vein, I spent last night putting away a million pieces of baby stuff that we received over the weekend and made sure that I had catalogued the giver of each gift. I’m not exaggerating – your dad and I have about 100 thank-you notes to write. We are so blessed with friends and family and friends of family – all of whom are celebrating the fact that you are on your way. We have almost everything we need and what we don’t have we’ll soon have. I can safely say that if I went into labor this very minute it would be a-okay.

I have a funny story. Remember in an entry I wrote a long time ago I mentioned that I’d had a dream about your birth? It was the dream in which you were named Corinth. Well, I never told you that whole dream, but it’s relevant, so I will. In the dream, your dad and I were at home and we were studying the Love Poem from the book of First Corinthians. (This would never happen, so there’s your first cue that this was a dream). Then an ice storm came and we lost our power and our heat. The brown suede recliner was in the living room at that time. (It isn’t anymore. It’s in your room now.) While sitting in that chair I went into labor, and your dad went outside and realized that the weather was just too bad to go anywhere. We would have to deliver you at home. So, from the recliner I gave birth to you. Your dad cut the cord by candle and firelight. All was well, and we named you Corinth Gradyn Edwards Brown, to be called Cory.

Well, that’s a sweet story for a dream, but only when you feel pretty confident that it won’t actually happen. I, however, have little confidence that we’ll be able to avoid bad weather when it’s actually time for you to come. Chapel Hill notoriously has weird and wacky weather and strange and inconvenient times, and a January 31 due date puts us smack in the middle of wacky weather time. So, I’ve joked a lot about that dream but I would not think it was very funny if you came by candlelight in the dark and cold. I know those sorts of births have happened safely for thousands of years, but I’m just not sure that I could deal with that.

So, I’ve been annoyed with the heat in this apartment for the last couple of months. It seemed to me like it just wasn’t working, but at times I thought that it was. But at the doctor’s yesterday, where we discussed that labor can really happen anytime, the doctor mentioned that the weather is predicted to be bad these next few days including snow and rain. Well I know what that means – ice! If the weather gets just a little colder than they think it will, and rain has fallen, there will be ice. So thinking the cold could be really problematic in these next few days, I finally called the apartment managers. They said they’d send someone out to look at the heat. Great! They also said that the people might not be able to come till the next day (today), so they’d send someone out with a bunch of room heaters. Again, great! Great - right up until I plugged in one of the heaters in the bedroom and took out half the lights in the house. So there we were – no heat, no light, and a forecast of ice. I dismissed it as amusing and trusted that I had not become a prophet in the last nine months, so I slept fine; but I confess, when the heating and cooling guy came about an hour ago and discovered/fixed the problem with the heater, I was glad, and when he applied his further wisdom to get all the lights back on, I was even gladder. So here we are – you and me – sitting in a well lit and warm living room, pounding out a blog entry and feeling very glad. How much we usually take for granted!!

From Dad

2008-01-12T23:26:00.001-05:00

Dear Son,
We are so excited about your upcoming birth. We’ve been planning for your arrival for 9 months - praying for you, speaking to you, talking with friends and family about you, getting the house ready, and in the past month, receiving gracious gifts from friends that will help us care for you. We’ve done all of this because we love you very much.

When you finally get here, one of the ways that I want to love you is to take great care in getting to know you. As your father, I want you to know from the very beginning that I want to help you develop your strengths and to deal effectively with your vulnerabilities. I don’t know what those are yet, and I suspect that you don’t either. But what is important is that your mother and I will try as best we can to have an open mind about you and to let you be who you are at the same time that we model for you what we think is a loving and compassionate way of being in the world.

So let me give you an example of what I’m talking about. You know from my earlier blog entries that I’m a big sports fan, and it may be that you are too, and that we share that together, and it may be that you don’t like sports. If you don’t like sports, I’m going to learn to like whatever you like. So that means that one day your mother and I may be attending the quiz bowl, or the ballet, or the debate meet, or the gay pride parade, but the point is that whatever it is that you are interested in, we will try to support and learn to love. And we will try, as best we can, to steer your interests in a way that contributes to the greater good. So all of this is to say that I’ve been thinking quite a bit about you and am very excited about beginning our relationship.

I love you very much,
Your father, Rhett

The Princess Diaries

2008-01-12T23:12:00.001-05:00

Hi Kiddo,
I titled this the way I did because I really have been trying to follow doctor’s orders and “be a princess.” I just suck at it. There’s too much to do and too little time. Also, I’m BORED!! I’m not good at stillness. I’m constitutionally ill-equipped to occupy the same spot in space for more than about a half hour. That said, everyone recommends getting all the sleep we can now, and I’ve been doing pretty well at that.

Things out here in the world really are good. Your dad has been nesting like crazy. He took all kinds of stuff to the give-away pile at the dump. He even took a big chest and a TV stand, and a monster-huge TV I’ve been hoping we could get rid of. (Your dad agreed to that, but he’s been really busy and I can’t lift it.) Yesterday, he vacuumed and scoured dishes, and made our home lovely for Andee and Dylan (our doula and newfound friend and her husband, who we also like a lot). I found it difficult to stay pinned to the couch yesterday, and since I was feeling fine, I justified a dash out for groceries. I hope that didn’t stress you out in there; but my intentions were good. I needed the groceries to prepare dinner for Andee and Dylan to come over, and it was a very low sodium dinner, which I understand is good for blood pressure. I still feel fine and haven’t swelled up or anything, so I’m pretty sure you were okay with it. You rolled around a lot and have been pretty active today, so I suspect you’re not under any stress.

Today was really fantastic for another reason, too. Today our friends Elisabeth, Laurea, and Laurie from church threw the three of us a really lovely baby shower. If you grow up finding that you love lemon bars, today is why. Laurea made amazing lemon bars and I am hooked. They sent the extras home with us and I’ve been snacking on them for several hours. The time we spent with friends was especially wonderful because lately I’ve been especially aware of what a leap it is to have a baby. We’ve taken several classes about how to be good and responsible parents, but we’ve never done anything like parenting before, and it’s really important. We don’t want to screw it up. Being with everyone today made me feel really secure; after all, with a support system around like the one we have, how wrong could things really go? You aren’t even born and so many people love you. I don’t know exactly when you’re going to be ready to be here, but I’m increasingly confident that the world is ready for you. We look forward to seeing you whenever you get here.

Love, Mom

We met your doctor today.

2008-01-09T19:37:00.000-05:00

Dear Little Person,
I took a little hiatus from bed rest this morning to go with your dad to meet your doctor. Your dad did all the research and I agreed with his preliminary choice, so we were really hoping that this guy would be the one. His name is Jim Kurz, and he’s great. He has four kids of his own, and he’s worked in public health settings in the past. His office is close by and not especially fancy. There are signs up prohibiting cell phone use in the “clinical area” – whatever that is. I like that. He has gregorian chant playing softly over the sound system. I like that too. One of the other pretty cool things about him is that he’s board certified in both internal medicine and pediatrics. Thus, he can see the whole family. I won’t be going to him because I have insurance through the school, and thus, must see university health providers. But your dad is going to switch over to seeing him; so he’ll know the family health history. He seemed reasonable, personable, and kind. I hope you like him.

First full day of bedrest. Yuck.

2008-01-08T15:19:00.001-05:00

Hi Munchkin,
Today I am working from the couch - trying to help the Civil Rights Moot Court team, not knowing why they aren't writing their briefs for competition, and reading an interesting yet boring book on parents rights (for my paper). After seeing the doctor yesterday I was really pretty confident that this was no big deal, and I really thought that after a day at home and resting I'd have the effects of the Las Vegas trip behind me and I'd feel normal. But alas, I really don't feel normal. I've been up very little but am still feeling short of breath and have still had some spotty vision. I poked around on the internet a little bit and read the handout from the doctor, and I realize that it's not that unlikely that I could have preeclampsia and that while it is dangerous and has to be monitored closely, it isn't at all uncommon and it wouldn't be such a shock or such a horrible thing if I had it.

Apparently, about 6 to 8% of pregnant women have preeclampsia. It is also more likely to occur during first pregnancies than later pregnancies. The cause is unknown and while obese women and women with chronic hypertension are at higher risk for it, they are by no means the only expected candidates. It's also not surprising that I haven't felt all that bad. According to one site I've found, "if you have mild preeclampsia, you may not have any symptoms and may feel perfectly well."

Treatment depends on how close you are to your due date. Since we are due in 23 days (yikes, can you believe it?) we could be pretty confident that you'd be okay. But the doctor said yesterday that for little boys, it's really better to try to get at least to 38 weeks because boys lung development seems to happen a little more slowly than girls, so it's best to let you cook. Still, that means that on our appointment next Tuesday, we could be looking at scheduling an induction because delivery of the baby is the best treatment. I really, really don't want that, and as long as it does not become too severe, we could keep you in there until you decide to pop out naturally by resting in bed, lying on my left side as much as possible to take the weight off of you and my major blood vessels, having more frequent checkups (more frequent than weekly? Jimminy Cricket!), eating less salt, and drinking lots of water.

I have my feet literally up, even though they don't look swollen to me. I can't put my wedding ring on - not even the slightly larger than normal substitute ring I've been wearing, but I still look normal (at least, normal for a 9.5 month pregnant lady). I do manage to sleep long and hard, unlike most pregnant people, but to my mind, unless it really means that you are in danger, that's hardly a symptom - it's a blessing! Mostly, I just don't feel like we're ready, and I want to be ready.

Bedrest

2008-01-07T16:47:00.001-05:00

Hey Little One,
Your dad and I got back from Las Vegas last night and went to the doctor this afternoon for our check-up. We are going to have check-ups a lot more often now, as our due date gets close. For the first time, all was not well today. Nothing is seriously amiss, but our doctor did say that I needed to spend this week resting. She said to "be a princess." She said to let other people do things for me and to generally spend the week reclining. She also said to give up my processed foods (alas, no more french onion soup) and drink a lot of water. They are watching for preeclampsia. I've had some spotting in front of my eyes, some light-headedness, a lot of sudden swelling, a jump in blood pressure, and a big sudden weight gain. I'm not really that uncomfortable and would not have thought to go in if we didn't already have this appointment scheduled. But they gave me a handout on preeclampsia and explained that there are a few other symptoms I should be on the lookout for, explained that it's important to keep it under control, and that if it were to get bad, you'd have to be born early. As much as I've griped about wishing it were time for you to come, I know that's not what's best for you, so we want to prevent that. So, up go our feet for the week. I still get to go to our showers, though, and I think that will be a lot of fun. It's so wonderful to know that the people who love us are getting excited about your birth too!

Love, Mom

2008-01-01T21:40:00.001-05:00

Hey Man,
I write to you from Las Vegas, Nevada. Your Dad and I are here for your grandfather’s consecration. We arrived yesterday, and I am officially miserable. It’s the New Year now, and somehow, entering the New Year, and the anticipated month of your birth has made complete my utter physical discomfort. There are a number of reasons that I’m especially uncomfortable now. First is that yesterday, your dad and I took a brief flight from Raleigh to Atlanta, then a 4½ hour flight from Atlanta to Las Vegas. That was really uncomfortable for me. I take up a lot more space than I used to, and I couldn’t get comfortable. It was also a particularly dehydrating experience in and of itself, and we are now in Las Vegas, which is a desert. I can feel the skin on my hands, face, and body pulled tight.

Today, we drove around Red Rock Canyon – a national conservation site. It was really gorgeous. Then, we had lunch at a Summerlin area Whole Foods. The point of that was to see where your grandparents are planning to shop for a house. Throughout the day, I’ve been uncomfortable. I don’t feel good standing because I’m massive and get out of breath easily; I don’t like sitting because my ribs settle down onto my massive belly and press down. The belly can’t move because it runs into my legs. If I sit at a table I can’t get close to it because the belly keeps me from scooting the chair in; if I sit in a car, I’m forced to have normal posture, which exacerbates the leg/belly/rib pressure thing, which in turn makes it hard to breathe. I find that I’m generally just tired, which is partially dehydration and jet lag, but it is also significantly caused by the enormous difficulty I have negotiating this body through the environment.

The other bummer is that your dad is fighting against some kind of mysterious low-grade bug. He felt bad over the weekend; then he pulled an all-nighter in order to finish some important work to get ready for paternity leave, which given his already compromised health may not have been genius. On the other hand, I’m really grateful for his current zeal because it means that when you arrive, the chances are a lot better that our bonding time with you won’t get interrupted by foster care work. For now, he continues to feel intermittently tired, achy, and light headed. Tonight we’re staying in watching the Sugar Bowl, so maybe that will help. I was certainly grateful for the company in a nap earlier this afternoon.

2007-12-27T16:18:00.001-05:00

According to the sure baby website, this week of pregnancy, you are about 20 - 20 1/2 inches long and weigh about 6 pounds. During this finishing period of your development, fat is being laid down under the surface of your skin, which will help you maintain an even body temperature and which can be burned as energy. Your growth has slowed, perhaps to conserve energy for the birth process. Your arms and legs are beginning to dimple at the elbows and knees, and creases are forming around the wrists and neck as fat deposit continues. You kick all the time and it’s wonderful. Our doctor has instructed us to do “kick counts.” That’s the exercise of counting to make sure I feel you move in some way at least 4 times an hour. You move that much in about 4 minutes. Your toes rarely penetrate my ribs anymore, which I simultaneously appreciate and miss. Weird.
I've lost my appetite, which I’m glad for because I had gotten pretty nervous about weight gain. I weighed myself at K and S’s the other day and I weighed 160.8lbs, which is exactly a pound a week. That’s what the doctors like to see, so I’m pleased with it. I continue to have strange painful sensations that might be Braxton Hicks contractions, might be ligament pain, or might be just the weirdness of pregnancy. Again, I’m sometimes grateful for them because I think of them as my body’s preparatory process, but sometimes they make me nervous because I don’t know what they are. I have become chronically short of breath, and found myself really wanting to sit down during the Christmas Eve service at Bethel UMC the other night, but still, that’s totally normal and it doesn’t bother me much. Mostly, I still feel good.
In case you’re wondering why I’m not calling you Jonah these last couple of posts, your dad and I are back on the naming search. As of last night, we think Joshua may win the spot as your first name. I still don’t know. I really like Jeremiah, too. Still, nothing feels “right.” It’s very strange to name a person you’ve never met. We’re pretty sure we’re not going to be able to settle on anything until we meet you.

2007-12-27T14:34:00.001-05:00

I think I’ve moved through the super-moody stage. I was feeling moody during the Thanksgiving through exams period, but nothing feels all that important now. This morning your dad realized that we left the light on in the Volvo while we were out of town for the last week, and when he came into the bedroom to tell me, I didn’t even open an eye to tell him “I don’t really need to go anywhere today; just take the Saturn.” I do have little button issues, though. Like this morning I realized that Dinah (the cat) has been trying to make the co-sleeper her home. No way am I letting that happen! The thing is, since nothing feels that important, it’s hard for me to motivate myself to finish the important work that lies before me.

I’m struggling with this paper and I want it DONE. It’s getting better, which is nice, but it’s getting shorter, which is not nice. I have a lot of theoretical work to do and it’s tough to plow through all the work that has been done already in my quest to do something original. Other things that need to get done include the folding and putting away of laundry that your dad did before we left for the holidays, and doing more laundry. I also would REALLY love to get this salmon color off the walls. Now that we have new furniture, I think a nice light to medium brown would be much better. Calmer, too. I’m still trying to get good curtains up – curtains that will keep the cold out – which seems impossible. It’s also time for D the gifted apartment cleaner to come and make the path straight around here – literally. He’s really good at dealing with clutter. And your bedroom – jeez, I won’t even start that discussion. I try to take it one thing (the paper, for now) at a time, but I look around me and it doesn’t seem like I’ll ever finish. That’s the fatigue part. I understand that this is normal – in these, the last 35 days of pregnancy. According to the “sure baby” website, it’s normal to experience more fluctuations in energy this month. Fatigue is experienced by most pregnant women, but this month, fatigue alternates with periods of extra energy. I wonder what the biological purpose is for the extra energy. Am I supposed to use it on laundry? I’ve been using it on holiday travel.
There’s too much traveling going on and there has been little time to reflect these days. Soon we’ll be in Nevada with my parents; we’ve just returned from Bishopville, SC visiting Big G and Lolly. On our way there, we visited John, a family therapist who your dad used to do a good bit of work with. We came because your father continues to question whether it’s our path to move back to SC and to try to make a difference here. I’m of little help to him because I have promised that I’ll give it a try if he feels the need to do that. I would need to finish my JD first, and might even do the coursework for a Ph.D. in Chapel Hill, but after that, I could dissertate from there (in theory).

2007-12-19T15:55:00.000-05:00

One of our friends points out that horomones may impact how much I cry and how wrecked I feel; your dad points out that there are also many layers to the crying I've been doing. I feel guilty over being pregnant while J and B grieve; I am afraid of what this will do to our close friendship with B and J; I am terrified that something similar will happen to you (although, you have an excellent chance of survival if you were born today); I feel helpless because even though we want to be B and J's close supports, your dad and I - in our pregnantness - are probably in the worst place to be helpful or supportive to them now.

I feel a little better having heard your dad give voice to all these things that I know to be true, and several other reasons - I'm less embarrassed about all my crying and feeling depressed. I was feeling ashamed of my grief because, after all, it's not my loss. I have all that anyone could ask. I am now 8.5 months pregnant and the little soul inside of me is healthy and active. Last night at the funeral, I felt especially ashamed of myself because J and B were holding it together better than I was. People from the church who were waiting to comfort B and J paused to comfort and check on me - which felt strangely supportive, even though I was embarrassed and wished I didn't have a 30lb basketball sitting on the front of my body pointing out how much I have and how cruel B's and J's fate has been.

I'm surprised at how much better I feel since the funeral is over. It was a 1/2 Episcopal, 1/2 Quaker funeral - I liked the Quaker sitting - a big surprise to me, since normally, I cannot abide sitting still and being quiet while nothing happens. The entire thing was meaningful. Your dad was asked to read Psalm 90, there was a single line of a Gospel read, and one Psalm was read in unison. Most of the readings were secular - and oh so appropriate. I felt like a lot of the things that were going on with them got acknowledged outloud, and some of the things that were going on with me got acknowledged too. I cried a good bit more - the ugly blubbering kind - after the funeral, when we were in the privacy of our own car and I didn't have to be embarrassed about my bugle impersonating noseblowing. But after that, I was just exhausted, and now, I feel almost human.

I don't know what it is to grieve such a shocking loss. It's one thing to lose a grandparent or to split up with a boyfriend; but there are some losses that you can't prepare for or ever be the same after. B and J have experienced that sort of loss. There's no way to explain it or to give it meaning - if they are able to find meaning in this they will have accomplished yet another miracle. I consider it a miracle that they managed to put one foot in front of another thus far.

2007-12-17T16:35:00.000-05:00

Dear Jonah,
I'm sorry I haven't been able to post for a little while. Your dad and I have been consumed with another couple's journey in parenthood. Our friends B and J have been our companions in the wild and usually - or maybe just sometimes - wonderful road that is pregnancy. We've shared this journey with them since just a couple of days after they found out they were pregnant.

You may remember my post from October 21, when I told you about them. I said that you would grow up with her baby, at least for the first several years of your life. Your father and I imagined that when we finished with each stage of baby clothes, each baby contraption (car seats, playpens, etc) that we would likely hand them off to them. I imagined their child would be your friend. I loved that we would celebrate both your kicks and her baby's kicks together, and best that your dad and I weren't pregnant alone anymore. We rejoiced in their friendship and in having a community for pregnancy - with all the fears and new experiences it brings.

As we had imagined we would, we've continued to rejoice in these lives inside our bodies together, but Wednesday morning J's water broke and they were told that their baby could not yet survive outside the womb. There was then some joy and certainly a respite from their grief when they were told that J was carrying twins, and that perhaps there was some chance that they might support one another and live. But Friday morning J went into labor and their two sons were born and soon died. They named their children Emmanuel, which means "God with us" and Caleb, who encouraged the Hebrews to enter the land of Canaan.

For all this time you have been an abstraction. You were a "probably." I think in law school terms I would have analogized you to an expectancy. As much as I have talked to you and written to you and felt you moving inside of me, you have still not been my baby. That changed last week. You are as real as I am, and I'm pretty sure your name is Jonah, and I love you. And all the while as I feel so sad for them I feel you in there - a tiny man moving around in my body, and I know you're doing so well. I feel totally unworthy of the incredible gift of your presence inside me. I feel the vulnerability of this body and am newly aware of how fragile it is. I am terrified for you and pray that my feeble body is enough for you these last six weeks.

Your father and I have followed B's and J's journey for the last several days - praying for one thing and then another - for their strength, for their healing, for the time they would have with their children to be meaningful - and often, for a miracle. In the end Caleb and Emmanuel only had a few hours with their parents before slipping from this world, but they were blessed with some of the best parents I could imagine for any child. B generously wrote to us that a special angle on our friendship now is he and J treasure our pregnancy more than ever and look forward to getting to know you. You will be a lucky little boy for that. I have learned so much from them and from their journey through parenthood. How I miss them in this path already. Your dad has noted that we've been pregnant together for so long, it's very hard to know how to go on in this without them.

PunkieDemocrat and looking good

2007-12-10T16:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Jonah,
You and I just went to the doctor for a check-in, and I'm delighted to report that all is looking great in Jonah-land. Your heartrate was 136-138 and a joy to hear as always. I weighed in at a perfectly respectable 159. It's hot today, so maybe the absence of sweater-bulk took a half a pound off of what I weighed last week. The doctor says she can feel you - still head down and pointed toward the exit, and she thinks your face is pointed toward my back. That means my right leaning belly is your left. You lean to the left, like me and your dad. The doctor also said I shouldn't worry about those pains I'd been having. I think I mentioned those to you once before, but I've been having these shooting pains, starting a couple of inches above belly button level and down toward my legs. They happened a lot when your dad and I went for a walk during a break in my exam on Friday, and before that and since then I've been having them whenever I cough for sneeze. The doctor thinks it's just ligament pain - which means I still haven't had a real experience of a contraction. I know I must be having them, but I couldn't tell you anything about them. Our next appointment would ordinarily be two weeks from now, but we are going to be traveling a lot and won't be able to get back to see the doctor for another month. She's not worried about that, so neither are we. I'm now officially carrying around my perinatal medical record - just in case something happens and we need to see an OB somewhere that we travel. It's getting close and by some miracle, I'm really getting ready. Even now, I'm about to return to that paper that is the only thing standing between me and total focusing on you. I am pretty darned focused on you, though, so I'd best hop to it. I love you!
-Mom

Your dad is nesting.

2007-12-09T22:07:00.000-05:00

Dear Jonah,
Your dad set up your bed tonight. Our friends, E & B have loaned us a co-sleeper that their son, H, slept in for the first couple of months of his life. H grew fast and already outgrew it, so you get to sleep in the bed of a baby who leaves big shoes to fill. (I don't actually know if H wears shoes). Your bed is now firmly attached to ours - a three walled nest which lies beside your dad and me.

Your dad set the co-sleeper up about twenty minutes ago, and he's been doing laundry all day. He's done sheets and quilts and now he's sorting socks - all in an effort to make sure our lives are organized and wanting to feel ready for you to come. He's been rearranging the drawers in a couple of pieces of furniture in the room that we call "the baby's room" - even though you won't be sleeping in it any time soon. You now have your very own three drawers and it's looking more and more like a nursery. Every few minutes or 10, he giggles or spontaneously says "we're having a son" or "we're having a little baby." About an hour ago, he came over to talk to you and I pulled up my shirt so he could talk to you more directly. You kicked visibly and your dad saw. He'd never actually seen that before and I wish I could describe his face. He looked stunned and overjoyed. He said it was really amazing.

There's no question. PunkiePapa is getting warmed up. I can't wait to see you two together. You don't know this yet, but you are such a lucky kid.

Holy S*%#!! It's so close!

2007-12-08T11:49:00.001-05:00

Hi Jonah,

Pardon my explitive. I'm just feeling a little blown away by the "pregnancy update" e-mail I got this morning. According to the e-mail, you weigh about 4 pounds 5 ounces. You're big! And what's more, you look quite human. Look!

The e-mail also says your skin has turned from red to pink because you have started preparing for life outside the womb by storing iron in your liver. That's so cool.

The e-mail had some tips for me too. Some of which were comforting. It says "there's a big range of weight gain in pregnancy—some of it is determined genetically. There's also a big range of "normal" sized babies. (Come to think of it, there's a big range in height and weight in all human beings, and vive la difference!)" Your dad was born little - 6lbs. I was bigger - 8lbs. But now your dad is 6'1 and broad and I'm 5'3 and (ordinarily) on the small side. Whodathunkit?

Love, Mom

Week 33

2007-12-06T14:09:00.001-05:00

Dear Jonah,
Welcome to week 33 inside my body. I think you're starting to get uncomfortable, since you're now pushing on all areas of my abdomen at the same time, seeming to indicate that you've outgrown the space. You've got a lot of growing to do in the next 8 weeks, so I hope you're not too uncomfortable. I weighed myself at my professor's house last night, and by the grace of exam anxiety (I think) I haven't gained an immense amount of weight. I do weigh 159.5, which I never imagined in my life that I would weigh, but weight has taken on a whole new meaninglessness in the last few months.

I took my first exam on Tuesday (education law) and my last one is tomorrow (trusts & estates). For anyone who reads this and is inclined toward prayer or other gifts of positive energy, I welcome them. It will be an 8 hour exam, and I proved on Tuesday that my capacity to hang out in one room by myself is quite limited. I'm bringing your dad - my beloved husband - to school with me tomorrow. He will work from the library and when I need lunch or distraction, he'll provide. Have I mentioned yet how richly blessed I feel to have found such a tremendous partner? I think if I never got another amazing gift for the rest of my life, the gift I have in your father would be enough. Of course, I know that you will be an amazing gift, and thus, I have no room to gripe or complain about anything, ever. There just is no better life than mine. Thanks for being a part of it.

Love, Mom

PunkieRepublican?!?? Surely not!

2007-12-03T19:28:00.001-05:00

Dear Jonah,
I have been watching this belly of ours grow and change for the last several months, and for the last few months, I’ve thought I was imagining this, but I’m not. It’s absolutely true. My belly button has shifted about and inch to the right. In fact, my entire belly leans a little to the right. The linea negra runs basically horizontal down my torso, and it doesn’t even touch my belly button. This isn’t a prophetic-metaphor, is it? I know that if you grew up to be a republican I’d love you. I just don’t know what we’d talk about. Should we call you Keaton (as in, Alex P. – conservative, republican son of two aging hippies)?

59 Days and Counting

2007-12-03T19:07:00.001-05:00

Dear Jonah,
There are 59 days till you are due to arrive. I have an exam tomorrow and another one on Friday. I’m feeling pretty peaceful – strangely peaceful – about the upcoming exams. I don’t know whether it’s the practice exams I’ve taken, or more likely, the fact that I’ve realized that exams just aren’t that big a deal in comparison to the fact that you are on the way. I certainly don’t feel all that confident. For instance, school desegregation is all a muddle in my head. True, it’s actually in a bit of a muddle, but there was a Supreme Court decision last summer that I learned a lot about before the decision came down, but I don’t know the decision. It’s ungodly long, and I just am not going to read the whole thing. I need to get the cliffs notes or something. You can’t see my face right now, but if you could, you’d note the obvious absence of urgency. The test is in the morning. That’s no good. I need to locate my inner Type-A for just a little while. Still, I have to tell you: it’s good to have the grouchiness behind me for a little while.

I’m having new aches and pains these days. When I sneeze, I have these weird shooting pains that start a little above my belly button level and shoot down into my pelvic area. They are sharp pains, and a couple of times they have lasted for nearly a minute. A little poking around on the web tells me these might be the first time I’ve felt any Braxton-Hicks contractions. That’s wild. If that’s true, cool. I’ve been wondering what contractions would feel like. I don’t mean that I especially love discomfort. I guess I’m just getting ready to get this show on the road. I know you’re not, though, so I’m glad you’re still in there and doing fine.

Love, Mom

Week 32

2007-12-01T11:53:00.000-05:00

Dear Jonah,
I'm happy to report that your mom has stopped overloading your system with cortisol. Somehow by blogging about it, talking to others about it, and making some destressing lifestyle changes, I'm doing okay. I've also figured out that some of the symptoms I thought were just anxiety are pregnancy. That shortness of breath and that perpetually expanded feeling in my ribcage are because you have grown so much that my lungs don't have room to fully expand, and likewise, your body has worked its way up to between my ribs.

If you were born right now, you would have an excellent chance of survival, with the right care. You have grown to about 16 inches in length and weigh approximately 3 and a half pounds. Also, according to the pregnancy update e-mail as well as doctor's exam, you are now pointed head down, directed toward the exit. Woo-hoo!

Pregnancy has been pretty manageable for me, and I hope for you too. I don't plan to do it again anytime soon, but I'm pretty grateful for the ride it's been thus far.

Love, Mom

Exam stress!!!

2007-11-29T16:32:00.000-05:00

Dear Jonah (we think that's your name, now, so I'm trying it out),

I'm 32 weeks into this pregnancy and have really been trying to treat you well during your time inside my body. I've gotta say, I never really appreciated how committed pregnant women are to becoming mothers. I get that now. It's a huge responsibility to have another (very vulnerable) human life inside my body, depending on me to do/eat/think the safest/optimal things 100% of the time, and I hope I've done an okay job so far.

I knew before your dad and I were pregnant that I had to get off of some medications that I normally take for my usual ADHD laced with anxiety, and that was perfectly okay with me. I worked it out with the school to let me record classes, I've worked with an LD coach, I took fewer classes, and on the whole, I'd say it's worked brilliantly. But in the last week, I've hit a giant road block around finals. It happens every year that I have a good bit of exam-time anxiety, but this semester (sans Effexor, and with horomones a little less steady than before), I've been a bit of a wreck since classes broke for Thanksgiving. It's irrational. I have plenty to do before each exam (one next Tuesday and one a week from Friday) and I really don't have leisure time, but assuming I can devote myself to studies just the same as everyone else getting ready for exams, I am in good shape to do well on exams. Moreover, I don't even care about grades. I just want to pass the stupid classes and get them over with.

I've read several times about the importance of minimizing stress during pregnancy b/c cortisol evidently crosses the placenta and mom's who are stressed out during pregnancy - which I have not been, other than since Thanksgiving - produce babies who have problems with anxiety and stress management into their teens and beyond. It's an added piece of pressure that I feel guilty about poor little you - trapped inside my body and having to feel all this anxiety.

I talked with my professor about that last night, and she was able to ease my worries a little bit. Apparently she was really stressed out and totally miserable for her last pregnancy, and her son is one of the most charming, laid back, utterly stressless human beings I've ever met. If you have his level of anxiety, I'll consider myself truly blessed.

Still, by yesterday - in the wee hours of the morning - I was getting pretty desperate, and I e-mailed my doctor for some guidance. I asked him if there was anything I could do. I said "I'm open to herbal stuff, real meds, magic spells, or whatever - as long as it's okay for both me and baby." He offered me one medication that I've never heard of, but it's a risk/benefit analysis, since there's still some risk of fetal withdrawal. My OB chimed in that she didn't think that there was much risk if I take just a few doses to get through exams, but I keep thinking that there's just a short time left until exams are over, and after that there could be consequences for you. I don't want you to suffer from my anxiety - or from my calm - it's hard to be a mommie right now.

2007-11-17T12:53:00.000-05:00

Why do people say "you can gain all the weight you want when you're pregnant?" If only they knew! I never worried about weight before I was pregnant. I've gained 20lbs in the last two months and our doctor doesn't agree with the weight-gain cheerleaders. At our last appointment she said "don't gain 10lbs every month." Thanks. No kidding. If I'd made any effort to eat "low-fat" or "low-cal" prior to pregnancy, I'd have been blown away by a strong wind, and now, I have no skills to keep my weight down. I'm also a picky, picky eater (a trait I hope you don't inherit) and I really don't like the suggestions I keep finding in pregnancy magazines that I should munch a carrot.

At least I can say it's not just me, though. I just read that "in the last two weeks, [you've] gained almost 12 ounces." And you are apparently "a wrinkled little thing" - at least I'm not wrinkled. I'm fat, but not wrinkled. I look forward to meeting you 75 days from now, Sweet, Wrinkley Boy.

-Mom

Goodbye monkey baby, hello roly poly!

2007-11-15T16:38:00.001-05:00

I borrowed a source from another pregnancy blogger (http://pregnancy.baby-gaga.com/calendar/week30 from Jeni's Pregnancy Journal - on the right side of this page), and it is fascinating to see what's going on this week.

Fetal development in pregnancy week 30: Can you believe this is the thirtieth week? I really can't.

The light is visible at the end of the tunnel! [We] have finally reached the single digits (in terms of weeks till birth)! The fine lanugo hair that has been growing all over [your] little monkey-like body is going to start falling off this week in preparation for the big day. But . . . some babies keep their lanugo until after birth. Still, it’s not any cause to be concerned as it will fall off eventually. [You are a] little porker [and are] getting even cuter with increasingly pudgy arms and legs this week thanks to the ever-growing layers of subcutaneous fat. In terms of numbers, you[] should be weighing in at around 3 pounds 12 ounces (or more!) and be nearly 16 inches long.

And how am I doing? Well, I'm tired by day and at night I'm tired, but I can't seem to get comfortable. I have some heartburn, which means according to an old wives tale (and recent scientific studies) you have a decent chance of being born with some hair. Your dad and I were both born baldies so I don't know where you'd get it, but I suppose you might. I also have terrible allergy/cold like symptoms which I can't really explain. I don't have a fever, and there's been an awful drought, so that could explain the abnormally allergic feeling me these days. I feel awful because I keep PunkiePapa awake with all my trips to the bathroom (yes, it's true, I have to pee all the time) and my sneezes and my fussing with the covers. I need a nap everyday now worse than I ever did, but I can't always have it anymore. It's getting too close to exams and I'm still trying to outline Trusts and Estates.

I'm writing my will, too. I was planning to do that anyway, but it's a required part of my Trusts and Estates class. I am using a form will as a sort of a template, so it shouldn't be all that hard, but I don't like it anyway. It's a morbid experience. I have to ponder difficult, scary things like what would happen if you predecease me and what expectations do your dad and I have should one of us die and the other someday remarry. Oh, such awful things!! I don't want to deal with the possibility of divorce - even though the form will thinks I should. I think it introduces bad energy into the marriage and I'm simply not going to. I'll have to e-mail my professor to promise her that if the unthinkable were to ever happen, I'd execute a new will. Besides, how could I possibly write a document giving legal instructions in the event of a divorce - I can't even imagine it, so how can I know what I would want to happen to my stuff after it?

The best part of pregnancy these days is that you move all the time. The strongest kicks are always up top, and often, I can feel them on the left and the right side at exactly the same moment. Are you doing a frog kick in there? I really like it. There are some movements down low, too, and often I feel them poke me in the bladder, but mercifully, those are weaker and I am not yet in a state of perpetual discomfort. I don't doubt that it's coming, but hopefully I can make it through exams before that happens.

I really can't wait to meet you!

Love, Mom

A little closer to ready

2007-11-13T20:43:00.001-05:00

Hello Kiddo,

Last night your dad and I took an infant and child CPR class – an important step toward being ready to be your parents. Your dad had taken CPR before, but I hadn’t ever taken it. I’ve read a lot of stuff about how to prevent accidents that might necessitate CPR, but just in case, now we’re prepared – we think. It’s a good thing, too, because as of today, you’re 79 days away.

Love, your mom.

Yesterday's Doctor's Appt.

2007-11-07T11:05:00.001-05:00

Your dad and I went to the doctor yesterday, and you appear to be doing great. Your heart rate was 142 and the doctor thinks you are positioned toward the exit. That’s good news for me! You are due to arrive in 85 days, and if you were born today (which thank God, there’s no sign of you trying to do) you’d have an excellent chance of survival. 27 days from now I’ll take my exam in Education Law and in 29 or 30 days I’ll finish off Trusts and Estates. We got the all clear from the doctor yesterday to schedule our flights to and from Nevada – planning to fly out on Dec. 29 and back on Jan. 7 (I think). The doctor said she’d do the Group B Strep test next time we see her so that the results of that test will be in my medical records, and we’ll carry the records with us for that extremely unlikely possibility that you decide to be a Vegas baby. I took that horrible diabetes screening test yesterday too. I haven’t had any symptoms of gestational diabetes and I would have been very happy to skip that test altogether. It made me feel nauseous, and I really can’t imagine that I am at any risk for it at all – still, better safe than sorry, I guess. I just hope I passed it, because if I didn’t, then I have to take another, more intense version of the same test, and that would really make me unhappy.

Today is largely devoted to working on an independent study paper – devoted to what government regulation of parenting and other caregiving for children would be societally tolerable, beneficial to children, and Constitutional. It’s a big topic and I’d better get back to it.

Stay well.

Love, Mom

News from the Family

2007-11-07T10:52:00.000-05:00

Good Morning PunkieKid,

I’m sorry it’s been a while since you’ve heard from us. Your dad and I have been really busy. We have some more exciting news on the family front. Your Aunt K has gotten engaged to the brother-in-law your dad and I have been hoping for. He’s now officially Uncle S. There’s no set date for their wedding, yet, but this weekend, your dad and I went to Macon to meet Uncle S’s parents and to gather up some things for your room.

Meeting Uncle S’s parents was really lovely. They are very nice people and they made us all so comfortable in their home. They clearly love your aunt and I hope they know how much we all love Uncle S. It’s a shame we never met them before because I don’t know how often we’ll see them, now that your grandparents are moving to Nevada. It may be that you don’t see them that often. However, it also seems quite plausible that K and S will live in Macon for a long time to come, and if they do, I hope you’ll get to know S’s family as your extended family.

Knowing S and K will be really important in your life because they are going to be your godparents. That means that they will be mentors and role-models for you, taking special care to give you extra love and support around spirituality. K & S will also become your legal guardians if anything should ever happen to me and your dad.

On a lighter note, the trip to Macon and back through Bishopville allowed us to finish up some important preparation for your arrival. In Macon, we got a twin bed that was mine growing up. That’s for when your grandma comes to visit. We also picked up the baby swing that Aunt K got you. It’s pastel pink, which I just love. No stereotypical gender role imposition for you, buddy! Aunt K also got you an absolutely precious little outfit – a onsie with puppies on it, some too cute khaki, corduroy cargo parts, and a little blue sweater. They are newborn sized, so it’s entirely likely that you’ll come home from the hospital wearing that little outfit (and a hat, and a bunch of other warmness articles – since it will still be very cold when you come home). We picked up your changing table, which your grandparents picked up for you in a thrift shop in Asheville, and a car seat which your grandmother and I picked up together when you were so new to us that people couldn’t even tell you were in there. We picked up a bunch of other baby clothes that your grandma and I got together too. In fact, since B & E have passed on their son’s absolutely precious hand-me-downs, and I hear you’ll grow out of them so quickly, I really don’t think we need anymore newborn clothes for you. That’s not totally true. I think we still need to get you a bunch of socks and maybe a couple more hats (since knowing your mom, those will disappear pretty often). Then on our way back, we drove through Bishopville and picked up a chest of drawers, a dresser, and couch and a loveseat – all designed to make organizing our lives easier and spending time in our space more comfortable. After all, this is the first home you’ll ever know (even though I seriously doubt that you’ll remember it) and we want to be totally settled into it as we enjoy your first months of life.

More news in a bit - I'm hungry. I think you are hungry too. I'm definately hungry enough for two.

Love, Mom

I just thought that after that long post on PunkieRexie, you might want to see some pictures of PunkieDinah

2007-11-01T12:14:00.000-04:00

Mommie needs a ship deck

2007-11-01T11:32:00.001-04:00

I checked the calendar this morning, and you’re scheduled to be here in 91 days. There are also: 65 days till your grandfather is consecrated bishop, 33 days till one of my final exams and 35 days till the other. I don’t remember which exam is on which day because it really doesn’t matter. I have 10 classes left of Trusts and Estates, 7 classes left of Education law, and not long at all to finish an independent study. I can’t decide how I feel about any of this.

I met with the academic dean earlier this week to go over my plan to finish law school and be a mom at the same time, and I think the plan is pretty painless (though, of course, we shall see). I will have one semester of 4 hours – likely at NC Central’s law school or at the UNC School of Social Work, then another semester with 10 hours (3 or 4 classes), and a summer semester of 6 hours – advanced legal research and income tax. Why I came to law school I’m not sure I’ll ever understand. Finishing seems quite important to me, but as I’ve been considering my graduation from this awful place, it occurs to me that “graduation” seems like a wholly unsatisfying event to attend. So, your dad and I have planned an alternative graduation ritual. We are looking for a cruise. By the time I graduate, you’ll be a year old and I think that’s old enough to leave with your grandma Lolly for a week. I wouldn’t swear to that, and we’ll need to check on it, but I don’t think you’ll want to lay on a ship deck with Mommie at that point, and Mommie will be in desperate need of a ship deck.

What a rotten mom I feel like today!

2007-11-01T11:04:00.000-04:00

I must say, I’m not feeling like an especially fit parent these days. Your brother, Rex, had to get stitches on Saturday and the reason is just dreadful. Your dad and were trying to groom him because he kept licking this spot on his wrist. I thought it might be a wound of some kind and thought we needed to get the hair off of his leg in order to properly inspect it. But, we were both a little tense at the time that we were grooming him, and consequently weren’t as mindful as we ought to have been, and I suspect we also probably imparted some of our own tension to Rex, who was especially jumpy. Well, while I was attempting to remove the hair with some ordinary scissors (a precursor to the electric clippers), Rex moved his head suddenly and dropped his tongue between the two scissor blades. I cut his tongue badly. He didn’t indicate any pain so we kept working and your dad then accidentally cut Rexie’s leg. That cut was clearly large and your dad and I didn’t think we could care for it ourselves so we took Rex to the vet, where general anesthesia and stitching ensued. Since then, Rexie has been on antibiotics and has been hard to convince that he shouldn’t lick his bandages. That worries me and keeps my attention always slightly turned to the potential for other harm. This morning, just for a little extra stress, Rex fell backwards off the bed – something he’s never done unless he was having a seizure. So, he limped around (or something – he did a funny walk anyway) for about five minutes and I panicked and called the vet. That was before I figured out that he was really fine. I bet the vet is ready to call canine protective services on me and your dad right now. Rex is enjoying all this attention though. He’s playful and his wit and charm are uncompromised. I don’t think he’s in any pain – except that he’s still trying to lick that wrist (which it turned out, there was no wound on) and he’s enjoying all the extra attention. He’s driving me up a wall, making me chant “leave it. Leave IT!” over and over. But the only alternative is a bite-not collar, which I cannot bear to do if we don’t absolutely have to. What a rotten mom I feel like today!

Dad and Son getting to know eachother

2007-10-24T20:57:00.000-04:00

Dear Son,
Your mom and I are watching game one of the World Series. The Sox lead the Rockies two to nothing. I am so excited to be sharing this experience with you. You know based on these blog entries that I love baseball. I can't wait for you to tell me what it is that you like because I want to enjoy it with you. Thank-you for being our son.

Dad

99 bottles of… oh, uh, days left.

2007-10-24T13:41:00.001-04:00

Hi PunkieKid,

I checked the ticker today and I am but should not be surprised, after all, I checked it on Monday and it said were 101 days away from our due date, so of course today we are 99 days away. (That’s subtraction. 101 days minus 2 days is 99 days). So why am I in shock? I guess it’s the fact that we are now into the double digits. As Steve Martin says in Father of the Bride II, “the stork is circling the neighborhood.”

101 days left

2007-10-22T12:19:00.000-04:00

Hi Little One,
I read last night that you are still between one and two pounds, and that this month is the month you'll be most active. After this, you'll get cramped in there - close quarters. But the most amazing thing is that according to our "Due Date Ticker" (on another website), you're going to be here in approximately 101 days. I could probably come up with structured goals related to you to fill every one of those days, but alas, I must structure my days around law and policy and other esoteric thoughts that seem so unrelated to what I'm mostly interested in these days. I met with my ADD coach today and she encouraged me to focus as much of my energy as possible on getting my course work finished because she warned (rightly) that as you get closer, it will be harder and harder, and eventually, nearly impossible to think of anything but you. I know she's right, so I'll return to the article I'm reading - "Parents as Fiduciaries" - but as I read, you will grow and soon we get to meet you!!!

Love,
Mom

From PunkieDaddy

2007-10-22T08:53:00.000-04:00

Hey Little Man,
Just wanted to update you. The Sox beat the Indians 9-2 and are headed to the World Series to play the Colorado Rockies. It was an exciting game in which the Sox completed a three game winning streak. They came back from a 3-1 deficit to win the series 4-3. This was a special series for me because the year your mother and I met was the year the Sox came back from a 3-0 deficit to beat the Yankees 4 games to 3. Therefore, your mother and I have decided that the Sox are our American League team. We hope to take you to a Boston Red Sox game someday. You can look forward to a Cubs game next summer with your mom and dad, your grandparents on my side (they say they're going to go by Lolly and Big G), and your cousins, Linda and Mike.

That's all for now. You are always in my heart.

Love, Dad

From PunkieDaddy

2007-10-21T20:52:00.000-04:00

Hey Dude,
It's game seven of the American League Championship Series and the Sox are up one to nothing over the Cleveland Indians. Thought you'd want to know.

Love, Dad

A Saturday in our shared life

2007-10-21T10:04:00.001-04:00

Good Morning PunkieKid,

Yesterday was a big day for busyness and fun. I went to the fair in the morning with a good friend. She is also expecting a baby, so she wasn’t disappointed that we couldn’t go on any rides. Instead, we walked around and looked at the craft shows, flower shows, and my favorite, the farm animals. We stopped for a funnel cake for me and a milkshake for her. Mostly we just chatted. It was really nice.

Perhaps the most wonderful part that came from the fair yesterday was the knowledge that my friend will soon be very publicly pregnant too. She’s starting to show a tiny bit, though no one who didn’t know her well and wasn’t looking anyway could tell. She looks amazing. She’s glowing and radiant, but still carrying a tiny, tiny secret. She’s only gained one pound in her entire first 12 weeks of pregnancy. I can’t believe it. I think gained a pound the first day I was pregnant. Oh well, these things can’t (or really shouldn’t) be compared. We’re all just too different.

You are going to grow up with her baby. I’m in school with her husband and she’s looking at Ph.D. programs in the area (as am I), so her child is very likely to grow up with you, at least for the first several years of your life. When we finish with each stage of baby clothes, each baby contraption (car seats, playpens, etc) we’ll likely hand them off to her. I’m already at the stage that maternity clothes have stopped fitting (or it’s now clear that they’ll never fit this body type of mine) and it’s time to hand them off to my friend. We’ll babysit for one another. We’ll confide in and support each other.

I love that we’re so close in gestational age, and that her child will be your friend. I love that we can gripe about sciatica to each other and that soon we’ll celebrate both your kicks and her baby’s kicks together. I love that your dad and I aren’t pregnant alone anymore. It’s so good to have community in pregnancy – with all the fears and new experiences it brings.

In the afternoon, I sat ate some lunch while your dad followed football scores simultaneously on both the internet and TV. It is very important in this house that we know how the Gamecocks are doing, but we have too many screens in this place. In case you’re interested, though, they lost to Vanderbilt, by the way, in a classic Gamecocks way. That is, according to your dad, they lost to an athletically inferior team because of they are systemically, perennially intellectually stunted. After a quick nap, we dashed off to Don’s for some more pregnancy photography. You’ll see images from that when Don gets a chance to process them, but it’ll have to wait for now because Don’s off to Houston in the morning.

Have a good day kid, and I’ll fill in you more sometime soon.

Love, Mom

At 20 weeks it was pretty obvious that you were in there.

2007-10-19T12:18:00.000-04:00

Hi PunkieKiddo,
This is from five weeks ago - 20 weeks - and there was no doubt at all that you were in there. Below is more of me and your dad five weeks ago - it was the middle of the second trimester and we were anxiously awaiting your first kicks. It was a busy time for us and, again, I think you can tell what was going on with us.

I was in moot court mode - feeling strongly analytical, sharp, quick, and somewhat obnoxiously in my head. My sense of humor was on the fritz - that's what happens when I get wrapped up in appellate advocacy. But your dad has a way of curing that for me, as you can probably tell.

Your dad was up to his eyeballs in DSS craziness with families and children exploding and erupting all around. Maybe you can see that we were more tired than before and a little less "in the moment." But no less in love with eachother or with you.
When your dad and I are struggling in our work/school lives, we're pretty good about caring for and supporting one another, and this was a time that we were needing to do a lot of that. Perhaps you can see us supporting one another? Or perhaps it's just that I can see it because I lived it with him.

I imagine that parenthood will call on us to support eachother quite a bit. That's what I've heard from the wonderful friends and examples your dad and I draw from. I predict that it will also keep my analytical mind busy, but hopefully not obnoxiously so. I wonder, though, whether I'll be able to stay centered and not live too much in my head. I don't really know. I've never had an opportunity to find out. It's just hard for me to imagine hanging out in my head all day when I need to meet the moment-by-moment needs that you present and when I have the privilege of hanging out with you. Babies don't live in their heads - they live totally moment-to-moment. Maybe that's where the learning from your kids starts - learning to live in the moment. Who knows? I look forward to the process of finding out.

I love you,
Mom

Here are some more pictures of the three of us.

2007-10-18T17:28:00.000-04:00

Cravings!!

2007-10-18T15:58:00.001-04:00

Cravings rock. I have never loved food so much as I do while I'm pregnant. And I crave things so often that whenever I'm not craving anything but I'm hungry, I get out of sorts and feel sort of cheated. The food I craved always tastes so much better.

Today I’m craving an apple and grilled cheese sandwich. Mmmm… I’ll be back. I’m going to get one. … Okay, I’m back. I made the sandwich and I have tomato soup in the microwave. The sandwich is delicious – I put slivered almonds in it as well.

Just now, I saw a post on the blog of another pregnant North Carolinian. She was posting about cravings. I shared a few thoughts with her, which I think I’ll now put down here for posterity. Here are some fun tidbits I've picked up re: the cravings issue. “

First, indulge the craving for chocolate whenever you can! Why? Because according to the pediatrician who runs the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory at Southpoint Mall (my source for excellent fudge), "mothers who eat lots of chocolate during their pregnancies give birth to babies who laugh and smile more than other babies."

Second, the aversions have an evolutionary purpose. We eat things that are weird for us all the time, but as adults (and even children) we have a much more advanced ability to cope with them than would a fetus. The gag reflex (triggered by both visual and inhaled stimuli) and aversions are our baby's way of communicating to us that the particular food would likely do more harm than good on that particular day.

The cravings, conversely, are an indicator that there's some actual nutritional need that should be filled. Hence, a craving for any of a number of dairy sources might indicate that calcium supplies are low, whereas, an insatiable urge to eat ice-cream and only ice-cream likely indicates that the calcium as well as fat sources are lower than ideal. Chocolate cravings may be related to fluctuating horomones and seratonin.

So, I gleefully follow the advice of the nurse at my OB's, which is that cravings are every bit as much a form of communication as a baby's cry will one day be, and it's my right - neigh, my duty to indulge! Ohhhhh, how I love cravings!”

Now you may wonder, and I may someday wonder when these cravings are gone: what am I craving?

I’ve only had 2 persistent cravings during this pregnancy, and neither of them is for chocolate. My first big craving was for asparagus. Specifically, I crave asparagus coated (and I mean thoroughly coated) in butter and salt. I like it grilled on the George Foreman grill so the ends are nice and crispy. Second, I crave thin crusted delivery pizza with my own blend of toppings on top, which your father has dubbed “the mixture.” Specifically, I take red onion, fresh garlic, and pears, and slice them up pretty thoroughly in the food processor. Then I spread those on the pizza, and add slivered almonds. Then I heat it up a bit so it all blends in together – at least in terms of temperature – and bon appetite! Your father says it gives me dragon breath. Oh well.

These are certainly not the only cravings I’ve had. Boy that sandwich was good. Do I want another one? Day before yesterday, I had some really intense dreams about double stuff oreos, and I HAD to have them. Cravings have come in the form of dreams several times. We’ll see what’s next. Let’s go get a sandwich.

Love, your mom.

Memorializing pregnancy

2007-10-18T14:28:00.000-04:00

When I first started trying to memorializing your time inside my body, it was not through a blog, but through pregnancy photography. Your dad and I went to have some pregnancy photos taken for the first time at 15 weeks, then again at 20 weeks, and we're going again this weekend, at 25 weeks.

When we started doing all these photos, I felt hideous, and hence, really nervous. It seemed odd. After all, I have always thought pregnant women were so beautiful, but somehow, when it was me, I found that I didn't - and still don't - feel beautiful at all. When I first started my efforts at journal-documenting the pregnancy (using a different website and less user-friendly blog style) I wrote "I thought I wasn't vain, before, but now I know I just wasn't bothered by anything. These days, I feel fat, bloated, itchy, pimply, greasy-haired, and any number of other awful things."

That's still how I feel most days, and it doesn't help that the number on the scale at the doctor is just absurdly high. Still, I remain committed to this documentation, and the photographer we're working with really helps me to feel good as we work.

After the first session, I wrote "[a]s the day went along, I felt increasingly comfortable in my skin, though decreasingly comfortable in my lower back. That is, I felt good about me, even though my body still hurts and is different than I'm used to. In the end, I'm amazed at how much I like the pictures, considering how lousy I thought I looked at the time. Horomones, yeah?" After the second session, I was in the middle of busy moot court preparation and studies, so I didn't have time to write, but that day I felt just as crummy and I was fighting against a bad mood. Unfortunately, law school isn't my favorite thing in the world and I fight bad moods more and more often these days (today is no exception). But Don took some really good pictures nonetheless. (Sorry, I don't have any of those to post yet).
One thing I hadn't expected when we started shooting these pregnancy photos was how much they would showcase what was really going on with me and your dad throughout the various stages of pregnancy. I think this one really shows how in love your dad and I are with eachother and how in awe we were in those first weeks as we started wrapping our minds around the little bump that was just beginning to show. We were going to be parents! We could still hardly believe it.

In this one I think you can see that I was feeling pretty introspective those days, and that I was pretty secure in my own readiness to be a mom. That has come and gone from time to time as the time draws nearer and I realize that there's still so much to do, but in the deepest parts of me, I'm still basically there. I'm just not as amazed by it anymore. I'm still awestruck during still moments, but there aren't as many of those now that I'm in school.

I'm posting several of the pictures Don took at our first session, and for anyone out there reading this who might be looking for a splendid pregnancy photographer , I highly recommend ours - his name is Don Kennedy and you can reach him at don@donkennedyphotography.com. His web portfolio is www.donkennedyphotography.com

I'll post more photos later, but for now, I think this is a pretty good snapshot of the first half of pregnancy. The second half is to come :-)

Big hugs and lots of love,
Your mom

Updating you on your life in utero

2007-10-18T11:24:00.000-04:00

Dear little one,

Sorry no news from me and your dad for the last several days. It’s been a really exciting time for our family. You’ve been kicking up a storm, so I kind of wonder if you might already have known what an exciting time it was.

This past weekend, your dad and I went to Macon, GA to see your grandparents and your aunt, Katie. We always sort of assumed that you’d grow up knowing Macon as a home away from home, but now we know that isn’t true. Since I was 12 years old, my parents have lived in Macon. Consequently, I lived there for a number of years, and as an objective observer, I don’t think you’re missing much by missing Macon. You’re going to miss out on some pretty wonderful people though. Since I was about 15, your grandfather has been the rector of St. Francis, a really wonderful congregation. But Friday, your grandfather was elected to be the bishop of the Episcopal Diocese of Nevada. That means you aren’t going to know your grandfather to have a congregation and to serve them as their priest – you will know him to have a different professional role. I don't really know what that will mean for you, but it strongly influences where your dad and I are likely to choose to live someday, where you're likely to grow up, and much more. When I was a kid, I could never have imagined how much my father's decision to become a priest would influence my life - but I am essentially southern because he did. It's more important to me and your dad to be near family than it was to my parents, so who knows how this will impact all of us now? It helps that I really like the idea of living out West again (and your dad is intrigued by the idea as well), so it's more likely that we'll wander that way.

Under the heading of “major events in your life,” you got to hear your grandma, grandpa, and aunt’s voices for the first time since (according to the books) you’ve been able to hear in there. Your aunt and grandma got to feel you kick, too. I discovered that I could get you to kick by singing a very low pitch – it worked long enough to let your grandma feel you kick (hard! So cool!), but after that you got bored. I’ve experimented with it several times since then, but it seems that you’ve lost interest. I really enjoyed the game of trying to figure out what I could do to get you to respond – our first primitive attempt at communication. Fun! If you have any inkling in there what I’m writing/saying/thinking out here, I hope you’ll think that was fun and help me figure out how to play some more!

I am becoming huge!!!

2007-10-10T15:57:00.000-04:00

I thought I was ready for pregnancy weight gain, but when I got on the scale at the doctor's yesterday, I nearly fainted. I now weigh somewhere between 145-148. Last February I weighed 113. I thought 113 was probably a little thin for me and I resolved to eat more during the high stress semester that it was, but yikes! This is serious. I gained somewhere between nine and 12 pounds in a MONTH.

I talked to my mother last night and I bemoaned the apparently defunct policy I used to have about eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and in whatever portion I wanted. It worked for me - I tended to be underweight if anything. So what the holy heck has happened to my metabolism!!!!????!!!! My mother's response? Be grateful for the years I had and get used to living like everyone else - more careful re: what I eat.

Make no mistake about it, I do not like that option at ALL. However, I don't see much of an option. I went on my first intentional exercising trip today. I took PunkieRexie for a 1 mile walk - which was lots easier before I weighed so much. It is also much easier when it's not 85 degrees outside. When is fall coming to Chapel Hill?

Reflecting on Pregnancy Thus Far

2007-10-06T20:44:00.000-04:00

Evenin’ Beautiful Son,

I got an e-mail this morning from BabyZone informing me that this is the last week of our third trimester together. It tells us about what’s going on with you, and specifically says that this week “rapid eye movements are beginning! [That your] eyes open and shut frequently, and [your] eyebrows and eyelashes are present.”

Can you believe it? It’s been a pretty easy ride so far. I know you didn’t cause any of the easiness or discomfort specifically, but I want to thank you for hanging in here with us. I hope it’s been as comfortable for you.

I’ve heard/read about terrible pregnancy experiences, and I truly do feel so fortunate. The first trimester was a breeze compared to the norm. There were only a few days of nausea, a handful of migraines, and although I was extremely tired, I was blessed with the ability to lie around a lot as I needed to. It was really a pretty blissful experience.

Now, at the end of the second trimester, I realize I’ve remained lucky. I’ve been able to return to school full-time and I’m still going strong. People generally say that the third trimester is pretty exhausting too, so I should probably try to get ahead while I still can, but it really wouldn’t surprise me if the rest of the pregnancy was comparatively smooth as well. The e-mail also tells us that the stretch marks are probably on their way, and I have no doubt you’re growing like kudzoo on a Georgia highway. Last week I was in terrible pain in my upper abdomen – my friend told me she read that the stomach muscles eventually tear when the baby grows enough, and while she thought people ordinarily didn’t feel that, that’s the only explanation I can think of for what was so painful. It was like stretching and bruising all at once. Well, that we can’t do anything about – and wouldn’t want to – we want you to be a healthy sized baby. But the outside is a different story. Your dad and I will have to get on the stick with the cocoa butter. I don’t know how much it’s possible to do to avoid them, but we’re sure going to try!!!

Economic Frustration with Public Education - This is just me studying for Ed. Law

2007-10-05T10:45:00.000-04:00

Good morning Kiddo,
Your dad and I ponder where we're going to live quite a bit these days (e.g. where should I do a Ph.D., if I do it, what bar exam(s) should I take - if I take bars, etc.) And we consider a number of things in the analysis. We think about where we'll find supportive, loving community; where we'll make an impact with our work; where our family will be; how is the weather (I think about this more than your dad does); and lately, how are the schools?

Where will we send you to school? We don't want to rule out the South just yet, but your father and I both have a strong preference for public education. But we want for you a kind of idealized view of what we think public education should be. For instance, there are a number of societal goals built into the provision of public education - chief among them is to equalize the positions of all people, and that’s simply not happening. In fact, public education looks like one giant meritocracy. Why? Money. In almost all places in the U.S., school resources are based on property tax, and kids in areas with lower tax bases have less opportunity for quality education.

We think that being educated in a racially and socioeconomically diverse environment is ideal and that any education that lacks such diversity is almost guaranteed to be inferior.

However, in the South, it’s harder to commit to. For instance, NC lags behind northeastern schools because the South is poorer in economic resources generally, and also because people in the South are more spread out. In order for NC to raise the same amount of money for public education as does an average northeastern city, we would have to raise 5 times the tax dollars from each citizen than do northeastern school districts. People in NC simply haven't gotten to the place that they can or will relinquish that much investment in the public schools - especially in public schools that are still largely segregated.

In Leandro, the Supreme Court of NC held that every NC child has a right to a sound, basic education, but that doesn’t mean much. It basically just means there have to be schools, and that the schools have to be barely adequate. Call me crazy, or elitist, or just overly optimistic, but as your mother, I want more for you! I want more for every other mother's sons and daughters too - but as I am personally charged with care for you, it really hits home as I think about the direction for this family's path. Still, our preference for public education is so strong, that we are more likely to choose between the North and the South than we are to consider choosing between public and private schools. I hope you like cold weather. I don't :-(

Can you motivate me to study?

2007-10-04T12:25:00.000-04:00

Hello Kiddo,

You danced all night. I bet you are tired! I’ve only felt you a couple of times since the sun came up, though. I bet you are sleeping. I’m jealous.

Today I am trying to structure the vast world of intestacy law into a cohesive, exam-useful structure, and as I hope I will hide from you for the first couple decades of your life, structure is not my friend. I am taking this course in Trusts & Estates largely because I want to be able to draft a good will and create a good trust to make sure you are cared for in the event that anything should happen to me and your dad – not at all because I especially want to take an exam on it. It’s useful to think of you as a motivating factor in the study, but I know you’re never going to ask for my flashcards (unless you go to law school, in which case, I’ll tell you to find a better source). Maybe I can learn to think of earning a living to support my son as a motivating mechanism to get me more interested in this exam worthy structure thing. It’s worth a try.

I’m also taking an education law course, but that hasn’t turned out to be at all like I thought it would be. I thought it would be a pretty statutory course – “No Child Left Behind” “Individuals with Disabilities in Education Act” etc. But so far, it’s all about your first amendment rights. Since I know absolutely nothing about the first amendment, this is all new to me. I think I’m going to start writing about it though – in case you want to know what your public school teachers can make you do and what it can stop you from doing. When I was in the seventh or eighth grade, I remember realizing that I just don’t believe in saying the Pledge of Allegiance. I still don’t. Can they make you? Tune in for more on that, and other issues of law that relate to your childhood and your father’s and my abilities to support you in your education.

Explaining "Punkie"

2007-10-03T18:18:00.000-04:00

One of the words in the title of this blog seems to surprise people. I had no idea how many different meanings the word "Punkie" might have! But according to a good friend, it can mean any of "young, inexperienced person" as well as "prostitute (archaic); in poor health; decayed, crumbly wood; dry, spongy substance prepared from fungi." Those meanings, while fascinating, aren't quite what we had in mind :-) The name comes from an essential part of my relationship with PunkiePapa: silliness! We almost never call our dog by his name. This may be because we didn't choose the name, and I, at least, don't really like it. Instead, we call him by any of a large number of pet names that we have constructed in moments of his cuteness or his sociopathy - depending on the day.
On days when PunkieRexie is climbing the counter and eating out of the pizza box, after a chorus of "No! Stop! It's unconscionable! It's wrong!" and once his four paws are restored to the ground where they belong, I usually punctuate the event by calling him "Punk!" Then there are most days, when our canine child is his perfectly adorable self, and I call him "Punkin" (a southern pronunciation derived from the English word "pumpkin,") and even "punkin butt" or "punkin head." From this came the shorter "Punkie," and "punkie head." Now that explains how we got the word Punkie, but definately not how we got to be a punkie family.
For this I must refer to a very, very long car trip that PunkiePapa and I took from our home in Chapel Hill, NC to our parents respective homes in Bishopville, SC then Macon, GA, and then on to visit our cousins in Wisconsin. Such car rides make us punchy, and when we are punchy we make up songs. PunkiePapa is much better at this than I am. He can make them up on the spot, and they always make sense musically, rhythmically, and usually, they even rhyme. I, however, made up this song. In this song, I sang random pitches which didn't go together in the slightest, and it goes "PunkieRexie, Punkie Bootie (less vulgar and fit better rhythmically than "punkie butt"), Punkie Husband, Punkie Wife." People who hear our song (which delights us immeasurably) roll their eyes and really can't believe we were adults. We sing it all the time. Now, as we grow more accustomed to our new role as parents, the song has morphed into "PunkieMommie, PunkiePapa, PunkieRexie, PunkieSon."
In naming our blog we thought we'd choose something that pointed out that we are pretty darned happy people and don't take ourselves too seriously. Punkie, yeah? So, our family identity - in flux as it may be - is best summed up by this song. We are a PunkieFamily.

Repost - Who are you, little man?

2007-10-03T11:50:00.002-04:00

Hello Little Person,
What are we going to call you? It seems like we waited for so long to find out whether you were a boy or a girl, and now that we know (or at least, we think we do), we get to choose your name. Wow. What an awesome responsibility! Whatever name we give you will be with you for your entire life (unless you decide to change it, but that's a big hassle). It seems likely that our choice will impact your identity - both how you are seen by others and how you see yourself. That's why I'm so committed to naming you with four names. For reasons of family politics, we aren't naming you with a hyphenated last name (Edwards-Brown), but I confess, your personal identity is why I've insisted that Edwards not be reduced to a simple middle name. By giving you four names you will at least be reminded that you are made of two families - not just one. I want you to see yourself that way.

But first names are hardest. I wish you could talk. What do you think about Joshua? We like it a lot, but we aren't just smitten with it. I really like Abel Elias Edwards Brown, but your dad is not convinced. Your dad's going favorite is Corinth Gradyn Edwards Brown. We are both persuadable. Also in the running are Andrew and Joseph. The name Corinth Gradyn came to me in a dream when you were only 8 or 10 weeks in the womb. It was a scary dream, but it seemed kind of weirdly prophetic, so that name's still on the list. Then, there's the current leading name - your dad and I both like it a lot. Jonathan "Jonah" Thomas Edwards Brown. What do you think of that? You'd be named for your father, your great grandfather on his side, and your grandfather on my side. Would that give you freedom of identity? Perhaps not entirely - since no name would really give you total freedom of identity, but how about flexible identity? I hope so. I really like that one. It's purely coincidence, but a funny and appropriate one that this alludes to your spending time in the belly of a whale.
10.2.2007

Repost - Tiny, Huge, Wonderful Act of Faith

2007-10-03T11:50:00.001-04:00

Dear Little One,
At dinner a couple of months ago, a friend said that it is ultimately an act of faith to bring a child into the world. Regardless of one's financial circumstances, physical health, age, emotional/spiritual maturity, educational status, family support level, or whatever-else have you. She's absolutely right. I occasionally have fears about this - I wonder if we've done a good and responsible thing. I wonder about whether we have enough money; a nice enough house; an old enough relationship; enough knowledge about - how to do it - to be adults, to be parents; and enough healing from our childhood hurts and patterns. The answer to all of these questions is an unqualified "no." We don't have enough money or any house at all, our relationship is young, and we are still figuring out how to be adults and are only beginning to learn how to be parents. No one is ever totally cured of childhood hurts and patterns - vulnerabilities persist. But you are going to be here in approximately 121 days, and I couldn't be happier.

I have faith that with God's grace, your dad and I will be enough. We will shower you with the totally boundless love that we feel for you. And I have faith in our families - that they will fill in gaps where sometimes your dad and I fail. I have faith in our church - that the other wonderful babies will be your friends and that their parents will be our teachers. I have faith in God - that she will guide our paths. And even though we haven't actually seen you, I have faith in you. You are not concerned with the paint on the walls or the fact that the couch still has a faint odor of cat pee. You do not fear failure, as I do, nor do you have unrealistic standards for your parents to live up to. You trust this lady's body to keep you warm for the next 4 months and lo-and-behold, with your trust it is working.

I marvel at you as you grow. I am amazed at how your body is growing inside of mine and despite my usually random wanderings though the world, my lack of perfect nutrition, loads of exercise, or ability to swallow all those omega-3 fatty acids I feel like I should be taking, by every indicator that we have so far, you are perfect.

10.2.2007